Wednesday, May 27, 2009

weather report

it's cold and rainy. suits my mood perfectly. it almost lets me pretend my mood isn't quite so stormy. i can just say it's the weather. except it's not. if it was sunny, i'm quite sure my mood would be most foul. *sigh* meh.

i know...

i should be sleeping. i want to be. but i'm kind of afraid to. ugh. this sucks. at least the weather suits my mood. i feel like i'm mourning. again. i just want to know and be able to move forward.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

hello? anyone there?

i don't know what to say. what to do. how can i help? or even just be supportive? the senator isn't talking to me. again. he's shutdown. or shut me out. i don't know. last time, i emailed, text'd, called... at least once a day (definitely more). at first to find out what was going on. then to let him know i was hurt and angry. then to let him know i still care and was here when he was ready. he had his reasons for this. but we've since talked about it. and i let him know how much it hurt my feelings and made me angry. but this time, there wasn't any reason i could see to shut me out. again. last time i was told to be patient, that if i didn't push, things would get sorted out faster. ok. so this time, its been four days since the last time i heard from him. the first time it was seven. i'm not sure how long i can keep this up. i called tonight, hoping. apparently that was too much. if i don't keep myself constantly distracted, i get this lump in my throat that i can't swallow past too well. i feel vaguely nauseous (no, i'm NOT pregnant). i want to cry. not just the tears i cry when watching grey's anatomy (omg, i've NEVER NOT cried at that damn show), but the body racking sobs that little kids do when they're over-tired and hungry and things have just gone wrong once too often. if i don't keep myself distracted, i think about all the things that won't be happening. the faces i don't see in my dreams any longer. he said he was not like the other men in my life. no? right now, i'm not sure i see the difference.

*for the record, i'm not looking for anyone to tell me it's ok to end it. i'm not ready to end it. i still want to fight for what i want. i just need to know i'm not the only one fighting...

Friday, May 22, 2009

i <3 my monkey

"A mother understands what a child does not say."
-Jewish proverb

i'm skipping dance tonight, to hang out with the monkey. sometimes, even though we're always together, i miss her. now is one of those times.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

the one where i babble

i miss my iphone. not enough to run out and switch from the blackberry, but enough that when it's time to make the change... i just might.

i have an orchestra concert for the monkey to attend tonight. i'm pretty sure i'm going to find the darkest corner to sit in at the high school theatre and read until they turn the lights down and (hangs head in some shame) attempt to blog from the aforementioned blackberry.

[ok. so i forgot half of what i was going to say in this. oh well. having trouble caring today.]

man, i could use a beer tonight. *sigh*

Monday, May 18, 2009


lost? i feel like there are things i need to say, but i'm not sure how to say them. i'm not even sure exactly WHAT i want to say... phooey. :(

Thursday, May 14, 2009

oh my damn...

wow. i didn't realize how long it has been since i've posted. lots been going on. not all of it good or worth talking about. you know, life.

the senator came to visit me. he met the monkey. i see trouble from them. the kind where i have to shout in the house, "it's too quiet. what are you two up to?!" and then just hope i don't find the two of them plotting something diabolical.

i'm really glad they hit it off. it makes dating SO much easier. especially since she really hated the last serious one. still reminds me how much she doesn't (yes, it's an active dislike) him. even her father mentioned it the other day. "no, she really doesn't like him at all." which made us all giggle. and then i apologized for subjecting her to his presence. thankfully she thinks i'm pretty cool and forgave me. i do <3 that kid an awful lot.