zeghsy

Quick, before they catch me

2012-02-02T16:27:00.002-06:00

Sad is here. Not the gut wrenching sad that was here Friday. Just sad, yes I'll have moments of happiness, but I think I'm just as content being alone. I'm supposed to meet someone for coffee Saturday afternoon. I want to cancel. I don't know why. Other than I have a feeling it's just not right. I hate the idea that I might miss something I should experience, but my gut just says nope.

Time to go up... The front desk is my favorite place at these times. Someone always wants to chat. Yay.

Terminology

2012-01-30T13:58:00.000-06:00

The co-worker is having an issue with the muckity-mucks not using the correct terminology. I suggested making a picture book dictionary. He's not willing to allow that because "well if this picture doesn't look exactly like theirs, then its wrong." I say he's giving them more issues than they have. Take an apple. How many apples do you know of? Think of all the colors and shapes. But they're all still an apple. So if I make something with the terms the muckity-mucks are misusing, it's still what the picture is even if it's not identical. He gets so wound tight and nothing gets in. And I'm the one with the mental disease.

Then there is his hand holding. *sigh* If they have climbed the corporate ladder, they have achieved some tangible education. Which means, if you offer them a set of steps to do something, they should be able to follow those steps and complete the task. And failing to do so, does not automatically become my department's fault. Our boss and I won't tolerate the whining that comes with the "but can't you do it for me?" Perhaps it's because we're both mothers and he hasn't any children. Maybe that gives us an edge he lacks. But if Monkey needed to learn to tie her shoes so I wouldn't be doing it for her in college, then the adults in upper management can learn to enter their own password in the company smartphones.

This is not a week we want to poke this bear. I will fight back. And I will win, by whatever means necessary.

This Is Hard

2012-01-29T21:38:00.000-06:00

*sigh* I don't know how to do this. Today... well yesterday was much better. I'm tired. The day just drags on. Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to work and I will have to act like this weekend didn't happen. The racing thoughts are back. I get the emotions are all always there. I just hate that I get SO angry and I have nothing I can do about that energy. I ... I feel like an idiot. A huge flaming idiot. I feel like every muscle in my body has completely knotted up. The amount of shaking I did in the last two days, frankly I'm surprised I was able to write anything and didn't fall off my chair. Now I have a kink in my shoulder making me not want to move. The shaking has stopped for now. I'm not sure when the tears will. Which means my eyes will still burn.

*sigh*

Well, Shit

2012-01-27T13:13:00.001-06:00

This the worst I think I've been since being diagnosed. I'm nauseous. I feel hollow. My heart hurts. My head hurts. I don't want to kill myself but sure as shit don't want to be alive. I know what I have but am blinded by what I don't. I hate this disease. It takes over and makes me awful. Yes. I've been taking my medication. No I haven't called my therapist. I'm trying to see about a new one. Yes I left her a message. I'm hoping she calls back soon. I don't know if she handles this. I have an appointment with my medication therapist next Friday. Something needs to change. I'm so exhausted by this. I want to curl up and die. Putting Monkey through this is so unfair to her. It's so unfair that I did everything right and I'm still going trough this. And explaining to someone that yes, I know what's real, the problem is all this feels real too. That I'm going to be alone forever. No one wants me. I don't want me, why would anyone else? I was truly happy for a brief moment but I don't get to keep it. How do I know I will find that again? I need to KNOW. Why is it wrong to want what everyone else has? Why can't I have that too? Why can't he drop everything to help me right now? We've seen when I'm good I can handle things. We know this. I stepped aside when she needed his help. I said I'd wait and do what I could to help. But when it's me, I'm told not to be selfish and manipulative. How is a fucking disease I was most likely born with manipulative of anyone other than me??? It's so hard not to just scream at the top of my lungs until I have no voice. Or break everything I can get my hands on. "Hulk smash!" Maybe that's what was wrong with Bruce Banner. I want to cut my heart out, toss it in the trash and just walk away. I want to vomit so much I finally just pass out. Or maybe I should just dope up until I'm a zombie (hello Prozac). If I can't feel it won't hurt. There's no cat for me to get at the end of this. Marti would be jealous. For how much this hurts I'm angry I won't have any external injuries to show for this. I want to look as beat up as I feel. And I want to be able to say, "You should see the other guy.". A writer I am not. Paragraphs that make sense don't flow from me. Stream of consciousness makes sense to me if I read it months later or even if it's someone else's consciousness. Puffy eyes. Tear stains on my cheeks. Exhaustion in my face. Pants that will fall off me soon. This is the face of a crash victim of bi polar. Not a scar or bruise to be seen, but I wish there was. I'd have war wounds from my battles. Claw marks that run across my body. Get mauled by a tiger, everyone can tell. Get mauled by bi polar, you're the only one. Get over it. Get back to work, to life. Snap out of it. You're being a baby. Believe me. I would do just that if I could.

The problem is I can't.

Warning: Stream of Consciousness

2012-01-26T19:06:00.001-06:00

*This hasn't been edited. I just wrote what popped onto my head.

How am I supposed to maintain a relationship when I can't even trust the thoughts in my head? He tells me things. And I know them to be true. I *know* it. But then my mind twists it all into something ugly and mean. I lash out because I can't hold it in anymore. I say things I don't want to say because they're mean and spiteful. But I'm hurting and I want it to stop. So I pretend I don't care. Even though we all know I care more than I should. I think if I'm alone no one can hurt me. No one can disappoint me. He doesn't do it on purpose. The world around us happens whether I'm ready for it or not. I hide in my space. He deals with the world. But I want him with me. I'm tired of fighting myself alone. Battling thoughts that aren't even my own. But they're in my head, don't they belong to me? If they do then I'm a mean, hateful person. I don't want to be that. Make them stop. I'm not like that. I don't want to be that girl. No, I don't care if everyone doesn't like me. But the people I like/love... I want them to like/love me back. But who wants to love someone who snaps for no reason Or is irrationally angry over something minor. Or gets so out of control she doesn't recognize herself anymore. And doesn't even like herself. I promised a long time ago not to hurt myself. But the broken part of me doesn't care what I promised people even yesterday. It just hurts until I want the hurt physical. So it's something I can fix. Unfortunately stitches won't fix this. I don't know what will. This is something I can't fix on my own and I have a very hard time asking for help when I know I will always need it. Is it even fair of me to ask for him to help me?

Count Your Blessings (Instead Of Sheep)

2012-01-01T01:10:00.001-06:00

When I'm worried and I can't sleep
I count my blessings instead of sheep
And I fall asleep counting my blessings
When my bankroll is getting small
I think of when I had none at all
And I fall asleep counting my blessings

I think about a nursery and I picture curly heads
And one by one I count them as they slumber in their beds
If you're worried and you can't sleep
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings

I think about a nursery and I picture curly heads
And one by one I count them as they slumber in their beds
If you're worried and you can't sleep
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings

-Cole Porter

I'm having a major downswing. Yes, I'm taking my medication. No, I haven't missed a dose. I don't remember much about the manic period. I think I was angry about a lot. It's right before Christmas, usually. This year is particularly bad. One day, I'll be able to spend New Year's Eve without being in tears... Right, the blessings.

My daughter. Without her I would not be alive. My friends. Any hope of sanity would be completely gone without them. My love. I can live without you, I just don't want to. My health. Even though I'm a nutcase I'm a healthy nutcase. My job. I hate it but I have one. My house. It's never been home for me but it's more than others have. (Uh oh, resolution?) My family. You're fucked up, it's genetic. But your mine and I still kinda love you.

If a Man Wants You - DivineCaroline

2011-12-21T10:01:00.000-06:00

A friend of mine shared this on Facebook. It was EXACTLY what I needed to see. I want to share it with all of you as well.

So Tired of It

2011-12-06T11:31:00.001-06:00

I am tired of being broke. I'm quite sure a lot of you know what I'm talking about. This will be one of the slimmest Christmas' of our lives. If it can't be crocheted, no one is getting it. At least not from me. Thank goodness Monkey has experience slim Christmas' before. And that she doesn't really need anything right now.

Dear Santa,
Could you please take care of my bills? I've been good this year.
Thank you,
zeghsy

A New Cake Recipe

2011-12-01T13:40:00.001-06:00

The preceding post is brought to you by my absolutely shitty love life. It's no longer complicated, it's just non-existent. I have that song on repeat. Have since yesterday after work. I got the email at 11:30pm Tuesday night. Coward.

But the song isn't to feed my depression. Its to remind me I came from so much worse than this and became stronger and more beautiful. My bounce will be back soon. You'll see the fierce me.

A friend just said to me, "If you make a cake the same way and it's wrong, of course you end up with a crappy cake every time. We have to look at your recipe and how you bake it." So, I'm getting a new cake recipe. Any suggestions would be welcome.

I allowed myself to wallow yesterday. All black, sunglasses in the office, crying the whole way home. I'm done now. Onward and upward. I knew when this started I wouldn't let it consume me like it had before.

Take a good look buddy. You lost all this and more. You've made your bed, I hope you like laying in it for eternity.

I Found A Boy

2011-12-01T13:37:00.000-06:00

I thought I told you, he'd be home soon
Couldn't help myself, you're too good to be true.
I fall short each time,
Every time he ain't here,
You and your charm creep closer, closer in here,
Like a fool for fire I fall, with my pride and all.
Like a bomb before explosion,
Ticking by your call.
You're the wiser one, disguised from greed,
And I'm just a child who belongs on her knees.

But I found a boy who I love more,
Than I ever did you before,
So stand beside the river I cried,
And let yourself down!
Look how you want me now that I don't need you.

So, you thought that I would crumble to my knees
At the first sight of you, crawling back to me
To whisper "will you leave your man?"
Cause you swear that this time you can stand by me. I won't stand by you.

Cause I found a boy who I love more,
Than I ever did you before,
So stand beside the river I cried
And let yourself down!
Look how you want me now that I don't need you.

I ain't yours for no taking,
You must be mistaken
I could never look in your eyes, and settle for wrong
And ignore the right

Well I found a boy who loves me more,
Than you ever did me before.
So stand beside the river you'll cry
And let yourself down!
Look how you want me now that I don't need you.

-Adele

This is my kid

2011-10-13T22:48:00.001-05:00

And I love admitting it!

The difficult thing

2011-10-10T23:11:00.001-05:00

First, I'm not quitting. I just can't think of anything to say. I'd talk about my love life, but it's complicated and not necessarily my story to share. Nothing really worth sharing happens at work anymore. Monkey is taking her teenage years seriously and we're hitting it like a brick wall. I'd share tidbits about her but we haven't had the "Mom you can't blog about me anymore. Gawd! You're ruining my life-a!" talk. I don't cook. I don't live on a ranch. I am crazy, but other than messing with my love life, it's pretty well under control. *sigh* I'm sure il come up with something. Just bought you'd like to know I was still alive and kicking.

Brilliant. Off to bed for me now. Dance class tomorrow and then a date. Still not sure if I want this date. I'll go. I'm just not sure it will be everything we're thinking it will be. And we have fairly different ideas on how it will go.

Oh The Unfairness of It All

2011-06-07T11:39:00.001-05:00

Because it's going to be a gazillion degrees today, Monkey wore a very cute top and shorts to school. The top has spaghetti straps. They're not allowed at school. I'm waiting for the call from school. Not to bring her a different shirt, but because she is being insubordinate. She said if she was asked to change, she would tell "them" that the only way she would, is if they had anyone else wearing clothing that violated the dress code change as well. I told her I would stick up for her. this would not be the first time she's experienced this issue. Her friend had to call her mother to ask her to bring some pants, because she was told her dress was too short. She had dark tights on. Other girls on that same day, had shorter skirts/dresses and no tights. My daughter is one of the last people who dresses inappropriately. She understands fashion but has a sense of self worth that makes it so she doesn't feel the need to flaunt her body. She recently had a dance recital that one of her costumes she felt was too short. This all while she was wearing opaque tights and dance pants under the skirt (which had built in shorts). I'm sure there will come a day when I have to ask her to cover up before leaving the house, but thankfully, that time isn't now.

Really?

2011-05-05T11:30:00.005-05:00

I was so proud of myself this morning. I had decided what I wanted for lunch today before 10am. I sent the co-worker an email about it.

To: Co-worker
From: zeghsy
Sent: Thu 5/5/2011 9:54 AM
Subject: Happy Cinco de Maio

*Suggestion for local Mexican restaurant we both enjoy*?

His response? "I ate stuffed peppers last night and now I'm not sure I can do Mexican again today. I may not even make it through the day here."

Really? What is he, new?

~~~~~

Later, I'm complaining to our boss about someone else who can't seem to follow direction, knows he's not following direction, and makes "witty remarks" about it. I think I should return the task he'd like me to do, with a reminder to follow the instructions, and see how many times it takes. The co-worker seems to think I should change how I receive my tasks, making MORE WORK for me by having to track time spent on the tasks. Removing options until you force someone to do a thing the way you want, doesn't teach them anything. He's an enabler. I hate it.

I really need a new job.

I feel like I've "arrived"

2011-04-14T11:45:00.003-05:00

I received my first spam comment. I feel like I'm on the red carpet of the blogging world. It was in Russian, and talked politics (which I NEVER do) and was NOTHING about my post. I think it would have only been better if it had told me I could increase the size of my penis and/or helped out my long lost, gazillionaire uncle from Uganda.

How Do Regular People Do This?

2011-04-11T22:27:00.002-05:00

I spent all of last year avoiding too much "excitement". I tend to crash. Hard. They say life is a rollercoaster. Rollercoasters make me sick. Life is boring as all get-out, but the lack of nausea sometimes makes up for that. My emotions are all over the place. I have trouble remembering which way is up. Yes, I'm remembering my medication. These are the times I hang on to it like a life line. All that crap I went through before is so close I can almost touch it. And it scares the shit out of me. I need a bucket to start bailing and all I have is a cup. Where are my hip-waders? (Which by the way, I'm thinking of making fashionable. You know you'd love a hot pink pair, with say, skulls on them to be edgy. Or in a cute plaid.)

Contagious?

2011-04-11T09:32:00.001-05:00

I would much rather have stayed at home today. Can you get a "case of the Mondays" on Sunday? I think it started then for me. Bleh. As a result, I'm in all black. Not sure what I'm mourning. It just suits my mood.

You've known me for how long?

2011-04-08T09:15:00.002-05:00

And yet people at work still think I care about anything before 9:30am. Seriously? Dude, I don't care about the gossip you feel you need to share with me before you've even taken off your coat. You were late, and I was early. Let's focus on that. Or how about y'all not crack wise to me? You're not funny at 2:30pm. You're even less funny at 8:50am. Let me finish my chai, ignore the fuck out of you, and go about my morning in peace.

And where are all the guns?

2011-02-21T23:14:00.003-06:00

What the hey?! I'm starting to rethink this whole idea of getting back into dating. Apparently I'm having the darnedest time find someone decent and works similar hours to me. The latest one and I talked a good long time before we got around to even making a date. But he manages a bar/restaurant meaning he works most nights and every weekend. I was supposed to meet him after work yesterday, but I slept through it. I didn't mean to. I even set an alarm. But at 1am, I don't function so well when I have to get up at 6:30am. *sigh*

Wha?

2011-01-20T13:52:00.005-06:00

I let my guard down for five minutes and someone comes in a kicks me right in the ego. The last year, I have spent my time doing things I wanted to do, making sacrifices only I felt truly necessary (close friends and family). He came to me timidly, seeming very sweet and kind. He's a gentleman. He treated me with nothing but kindness and understanding. Sadly, he has already given up on "us". Not even a first date to have gone wrong. We work differing hours and he felt it would be too hard to see each other. Yes, I had to pick my jaw up too. Even when I've dated people who work the same hours as me, I've had trouble seeing them all the time. I do things after work. Monkey has ballroom and other activities. My feelings are hurt. He was the first guy in a long time I've bothered to put any effort in. But I draw the line at putting all the effort and getting none in return. *sigh*

So you want to make a resolution

2011-01-03T22:24:00.003-06:00

There has been a lot of talk about resolutions lately. None of it from me. Usually, I don't make them for myself. The things I've always thought I should change about me I figured I change them or I wouldn't. A resolution wouldn't make me do it any more or less than deciding mid-year to make a change. However, I'm picking the beginning of the new year to make this change. I want to be healthier, better. To do that, I have to start with my space. It will start small, but I intend to make my space mine. I've been in my house for over 6 years and not once have I felt comfortable having guests over or really felt like it was my home. I'm changing that. I know me though. I may want it done by the end of the week, but if I can't do it "the right way" I won't do it. I'm going to focus on the small things I can do and gradually make them bigger until one day I look around here and proudly say, "Sure stop by whenever," and NOT cringe.

I may be small now, but I'll get bigger one day.

Nix the snowday plans

2010-12-21T09:59:00.005-06:00

No staying in pajamas until 2pm. No "helping" Papa shovel the driveway. No making snowmen in the backyard. No hot cocoa with marshmallows falling out of the cup.

We got up and made it to work and school this morning on time. Here's hoping the drive home is as easy as the drive to work was this morning. Thank you Dane County road crews for doing such a wonderful job cleaning the roads. Even my little street in Oregon was plowed a few times before I left. Even during the snow last night, I could tell the roads were being taken care of. Thank you!

Get me outta here!

2010-12-20T14:22:00.002-06:00

Today is spiraling from bad to worse. I'm not sure what to do to stop it either. It's more than I'm willing to share here currently, but suffice it to say, work is not helping. The co-worker is workin' my last nerve, just with his very presence. The other one isn't doing much better. I'm definitely in need of the break from here I have coming up. And for that, fingers crossed for a snow day tomorrow.

Yes it snowed. That's what it does here.

2010-12-17T10:54:00.003-06:00

My lovely friend, Princess Mikkimoto, has offered some thoughts on driving in our area in this snowy season. She's right, it isn't winter yet. Quit whining. It's Wisconsin, what do you expect?

I would like to offer that some of that white stuff on the road is neither snow nor ice. It's actually salt. If it is white in appearance, it is safe to drive the speed limit on. If that is not to your liking, get the hell out of the left lane. Better yet, if you're too scared to drive the speed limit on almost all of the roads currently, stay home. You're sure to NOT be eaten by a snow bank monster then. Also, if the road is straight and you're not anticipating a turn in the next 6 miles, you can go a bit faster (this is not permission to speed), as 25 in a 55 is a tad on the poky side.

What to wear v. What not to wear

2010-12-16T10:03:00.002-06:00

I knew I should have looked through my closet last night. I'd like to go to a fancy dress party tomorrow night with Monkey. She's set. Me, I'm not sure what I'm going to wear. The dresses I have, I've already worn the heck out of. I want something new. I've found a pretty wine colored one online, but will they have it in the store when I get there tonight? That's the real question.

I'm new and old fashioned all rolled into one gal

2010-12-14T11:06:00.003-06:00

Get rid of my books? Not hardly!

book shelf project 1 ~ striatic {notes}

I have an e-reader already. After a fashion. I have an iPod Touch with all the e-reader apps on it. I get the free books, so I always have something to read. Growing up as a librarian's daughter, a book always lived in my bag. Now it's just a lot lighter. I still read paper books. You can't get an author or illustrator (Mom's a children's librarian) to sign your e-book. A real book is a much more fun way to receive a gift. I love the convenience of having e-books though. I will never get rid of my books, it's sentimental for too many. But I won't say "never".

Gettin' In The Mood (for Christmas)

2010-12-13T15:48:00.004-06:00

Tonight is the rescheduled holiday performance for Monkey's dance studio. Now, instead of eating lunch leisurely and getting her hair and make-up ready at home, we have to cram dinner/hair/make-up/driving to the auditorium into less than an hour. Thankfully, I have all her dance things with me.

I am excited to see the kids do their swing on stage. That will be fun.

*Update: Monkey's partner (T1) wasn't able to make it last night due to prior sports scheduling. His brother (T2) was injured so his partner (A) never came. We didn't get the message until I had pulled in the parking lot of the auditorium. The other couple in the class T3 and M were there, but I'm not sure what they did.

Oh the weather outside is frightful...

2010-12-12T12:34:00.004-06:00

Who here remembers the Pizza Pit tv ad (that they still air, YAY!) with the toy car and the kids singing "Let it snow"? Because of this weather, that's what's going through my head.

I'm sitting in bed, watching it snow out my window, thankful that Monkey's dance performance for this afternoon has been postponed until tomorrow night. Marti is curled up RIGHT behind my laptop (to enjoy the heat coming off it) -- he must be chasing something in is sleep, he's twitching something fierce.

I'm working on a new hat for Nana. Her actual Christmas present is finished, though I need to figure out how to wrap it. She bought a hat a few years ago from Urban Outfitters and it has since stretched out so bad that her glasses are the only thing that keeps it from covering her eyes. Bad design or poor quality. I've also never seen a hat that needed elastic in the brim of a knitted hat. Is that something that's is usual?

While I wait for Monkey to come home from her dad's, I've been watching movies. Last night was Inception (really well done!) and Assassination of a High School President (Patrick plays the president; is a family friend of my boss -- and he's such a cutie). Now to another movie.

Early onset?

2010-12-07T16:53:00.002-06:00

I miss my blog. I remember the good times when I had something witty and cute to say. Or when I had something to vent about and the internet patted me on the back and said that everything would be ok. I miss that. Now I can't remember the cute things my kid does more than 10 minutes after Monkey does them. It's sad.

You can tell it's time for the Winter Choir concert

2010-12-01T12:53:00.002-06:00

Why? Because it's flipping snowing. I would like to lodge a formal complaint with Mother Nature. WHY does she always have our first snow storm of the season either right before or the day of Monkey's winter choir concert? One year it was so bad, it was canceled. Last year, I almost missed the concert because of the weather (and stupid drivers, but that's a whole other post). We have four more years of choir. Could ONE of those not have a damn storm for the winter concert? Is that really too much to ask? This year, I wised up. I took a half day of vacation for the concert. That should guarantee that I get home in time for the concert.

It's vacation time!

2010-11-12T16:37:00.003-06:00

Not for me. Not directly anyway. The co-worker has all of next week off. It's the best news I've had in a long time.

I had yesterday off. To go watch Monkey sing with her choir for the Veteran's Day program held in our town. It was an hour. I spent the rest of the day shopping at Best Buy with Uncle Watusi and watching tv. I like how I spend my odd vacation days. Much better than the last two days. I raked Nana's entire yard. It's really big. Ugh.

The Big D, and no I don't mean Dallas

2010-09-14T10:33:00.002-05:00

I want a divorce. From my work husband. (No silly Internets, I'm not even dating anyone, let alone married anymore.) Back to the work husband. I can't stand him. I no longer find him amusing or smart. I never thought he was attractive. He's irritating and I want to not be around him anymore.

This makes me feel like I complain a lot. Particularly about him. But I'm not allowed to throw heavy objects at him. I have to let it out some how, right?

In any case, I want him gone. Or me, whichever ends up being easier for me. He gets all jealous when I've started dating someone else. Or have mentioned (not to him, he eavesdrops all the freaking time) when I think someone else is attractive.

Someone at work mentioned that she thinks all this is because I'm in love with him. HA! Not even a little bit. If I was in love with him, I would be excited to come to work and see him. I loathe Mondays even more because I know he'll be there. I constantly wish for him to be home sick or have to be off-site all day. A vacation for him is a vacation for me.

I can not stand him and I want this over. Now.

You don't know what you've got till it's gone

2010-08-09T22:58:00.002-05:00

I miss my laptop. The fan died. (A moment please.) I'm working on getting it replaced. But because I have almost no money, it has to be on the cheap. So I'm waiting to order parts from Singapore. I didn't realize how convenient having it was. Think of something blab about, hop online. Poof, instant post. Instead I'm left with either pecking something out on my Touch or firing up the slowest computer left. I'm reluctant to posh at work anymore. Even though I'm farming ALL the time. I miss is. A new one isn't in my budget. Thankfully I don't have sponsors to worry about yet. *Le sigh.*

I'll get there

2010-07-29T23:53:00.002-05:00

One day. Cryptic, maybe. In the meantime... I've missed Monkey a lot while she was at her dad's. It has only been a week and even though I still have a house full, it seems quiet without her here. I'm picking her up tomorrow. Thank goodness.

More suggestions, please

2010-07-26T12:40:00.002-05:00

In the effort to actually get on a working budget, I'm trying to track my spending. My mother would just say, "Use a piece of paper." I'm far too gadgety for that. Can anyone recommend an app for easy tracking of spending? Specifically cash. I'd like it to total for me as well. Yah, coz I'm lazy like that. This would be for my iPod. While I love my BlackBerry, it's a pain to load apps on it. Tiny memory. Sheesh.

Toto, where's my sparkling vampire?

2010-07-22T23:32:00.002-05:00

I drove into work this morning enjoying the rain, listening the my Twilight Saga soundtracks. Good fun, right? I thought so. Someone genius at work burned popcorn and opened the microwave door, sending us all out in the rain. I didn't even get to see any firemen. They turned it into a drill. Hmph. Then, I obviously wore the wrong shoes with all the tornado sirens we had going off. I should have worn the ruby red slippers. Then maybe I wouldn't have been stuck in a room with too many people. At least tomorrow is Friday. Jeans. Tennies. Comfy. I wouldn't even mind more rain.

This is so NOT fair

2010-04-07T23:28:00.002-05:00

I'm sick. Again. I'm not even over the cold I had the first time. Add in my springtime allergies and I'm miserable. The first time all the nose running happened the first two days. Now it just happens when it's time to go to bed. I've gone through two boxes of Kleenex in two days. Tomorrow I have to go buy more. I just opened my last box tonight. I spray the front desk down with Lysol after I do breaks. It's a wonder anyone can sleep with all the sneezing and nose blowing I'm doing. I'm not a quiet sneezer. And I sound like a goose with a battle honk when I blow my nose. In this post alone I've used at least 10 Kleenex. I should buy stock. *sigh*

ah, teenagers...

2010-04-07T09:32:00.000-05:00

last night monkey told me that she and beatrice have decided reconcile their friendship. i'm glad. i know how much beatrice's friendship meant to monkey, and i was sad to see it go. hopefully things will go better this time. :)

Feed readers

2010-03-30T00:09:00.002-05:00

I downloaded the reader my dad recommend for my iPod Touch. It's great but I don't think I can comment on posts. I like being able to do that.

Any other recommendations for a reader for my Touch that will let me comment? Man I miss being online at work. This blows tiddlywinks.

Frustration

2010-03-28T00:27:00.002-05:00

My blogwriter on my iPod just ate my post about today. Grr...

Rhetorical questions I'd like answered

2010-03-15T21:02:00.003-05:00

Why do drivers that cut you off get mad when you call them out on it?

Why do other parents jump down your throat when they don't think you're doing a good enough job but can't seem to control their child in public?

Why does the chicken want us to continually ask why it's crossing the road? At this point, isn't it old enough to not need someone holding it's wing?

Why can't we all just get along?

Why does the co-worker think he's hot stuff when I have continually pointed out his many faults? Hygenie being at the top of the list. Dude, you stink. No girl wants that in a man. Take a shower. Use soap. Lots of it. Cut your hair regularly. Shave your face. You can't grow a beard. Those sploches make you look like someone played a prank on you but missed your eyebrow. Quit smoking. Throw away your clothes and get some that fit. No. Even the hobo down the street doesn't want your stanky rags. And finally figure out you are just too damn scrawny to drink any more than one beer. When you come to work smelling like a brewery (and not a good one mind you) it makes us all want to vomit. Oh. And he fish in my office. He's mine. I've bought everything for him and cleaned his bowl 10 times more than you. He belongs to me. Now, quit looking at me because you want to tell me some poor taste nerd joke you've already told me at least 12 times. It ain't happenin'.

boo hiss

2010-02-28T22:12:00.002-06:00

i don't like this one bit. I'm going to miss everyone except for the 45 minutes i'll be allowed online. i can guarantee y'all this won't improve productivity. it'll just make us all crankier. and i can now say that since i won't be blogging at work anymore. hmph.

a letter to my bad day

2010-02-25T09:27:00.004-06:00

dear bad day,

it was a valient effort you made in trying to make my day horrid. first with the drivers who couldn't decide on what speed they wanted to go, then with the spilled chai while putting my cinnamon in it, and finaly my entire venti chai latte spilling all over the rest of me just before i walked into work. but thanks to friends like princess mikkimoto and susan mercedes, and then all the yummy food at work's breakfast potluck (yes, my quiche was a hit -- they ate it all!) i'm finding it hard to care about you anymore. i know you'll understand. we just can't be together today. in the effort to leave you with a positive comment, please try again another time. things like being on time for work make your job just too difficult. i'm sorry. can we still be friends?

cordially,

zeghsy

p.s. on second thought, i'd rather not be friends with you. don't take it personally. it's not you, it's me.

p.p.s. wait, it IS you. you understand. please do not contact me again.

from this point forward...

2010-02-18T00:34:00.003-06:00

i hereby banish drama from our lives.

coz frankly i'm sick of it. i have had enough of it to last 10 lifetimes. i am done. done i tell you!

we'll have no more of you, drama. begone. leave and never return.

i know, it's a bit over the top. but, that's what i feel like i need to say. it's my space, i can do that.

oh the drama!

2010-02-16T19:53:00.003-06:00

i have to say, i'm pretty happy i'm not a tween anymore. monkey is having trouble with her bestie, beatrice. it seems there was a misunderstanding. poor monkey is flumoxed. she has apologized for her end. she told beatrice she would like one in return for the hurt she caused monkey. unfortunately beatrice doesn't seem to think she needs to offer one. monkey says she's always been the one to have to apologize when they fight. my advice was for monkey to let beatrice know, again, that she is truely sorry for any hurt she's caused but that she would like an apology and that she still wants to be friends. i'm sorry to say that i think this might be the end of them as besties. monkey has put up with a lot from beatrice lately. this might be it if beatrice can't unbend. i feel bad for my monkey. she's a sweet, caring, sensitive girl. i hate to see her in pain because of friends.

*update: i have changed monkey's bff's name to respect her privacy.

problems? no, not really

2010-02-04T12:15:00.005-06:00

so now that i'm doing the whole "better living through chemistry" (for the record, i did pick up more meds, thanks for y'all who worried), i've discovered i don't have as much to say.

i'm leading a pretty boring life. funny though, i don't feel bored. i go home after work and i hang out with monkey. we watch our shows. we do the laundry. we play with the cats. we play spider solitaire and try to beat each others' percentages. i have grand plans of painting our bedrooms and finally getting the house cleaned. these are long term plans.

ok, so maybe it's not boring to me and just boring to others. that's fine. i'm not asking you to live my life. i like what's going on in my life right now. it's good. i'm dating vicariously through princess mikkimoto and sizzlesays. i'm vicariously being a mom to a baby (he turns 1 this saturday -- happy birthday little dude!) of sweetie-pie. and i'm pregnant, vicariously again, through barbie. she's due in april. it's a boy. i'm ecstatic! so i'm having fun in my own way.

not to worry internet. i'll keep you updated. i'm sorry if it's not exciting for you. things always change. who knows. right?

better living through chemistry

2010-01-15T12:09:00.002-06:00

amen! i know the meds have helped me get over the whole stupid ex-boyfriend (who completely messed up my life and head) but now they seem to be actually helping my mood. i'm not so angry. i don't have that burning hatred of everything. there are plenty of things i still don't like, but i don't hate them. the co-workers for instance. one still gets on his high horse far too often for my liking, but this week... rolled right off me. the other one was sick this week. and it didn't bother me. let me repeat for those of you in the back. THE SICK CO-WORKER DIDN'T BOTHER ME. at all. i love my meds. i'm working at remembering to take them. before bed. so i don't notice the nausea one gives me. now, if only i had the money to actually get them every month. *sigh*

cool contest to win free groceries from cozi.com

2010-01-15T11:41:00.006-06:00

hey, i just entered this contest on cozi.com to win free groceries for a year. all you have to do is put in your email address. even if you don't enter, please click the link to help me win (i get an extra entry for telling y'all). considering everyone i know is struggling this year, i figured this can't hurt, right? feel free to click over and enter for your chance. the more the merrier! thanks. click here to enter!

p.s. if you win, i want dinner at your house one night. :D

decisions

2010-01-06T12:29:00.003-06:00

this started out as me blabbing about how i want things but cost/funds is not working out just now. i've changed my mind.

i've been making decisions.

these are the kind of decisions you don't really realize you're making, until they've been made and you actually put them into action.

january 1st, i let go of some friendships that were no longer healthy for me. it's a start. i was never really sure why we were friends in the first place. so, i chose to end them. i don't know if they noticed. i don't care. this is my life and i'm done with not being happy with it.

what we do when we're bored

2009-12-23T21:12:00.002-06:00

well, with the recent snow day we had, monkey and i watched all of the recorded shows we had on our dvr. so what do two couch potatoes do when there's nothing to watch? find new movies! since the beginning of my vacation, we have watched (not necessarily in this order) "four christmases" (funny, didn't go anywhere, but funny), "julie & julia" (good but made us both really hungry), "my life in ruins" (also funny, makes me want to travel and find my 'kefi'),"night at the museum 2, battle of the smithsonian" (little wax people kicking arse make me giggle), "the ugly truth" (monkey was surprised to find that the guy was also the phantom), and "up" (seriously, has pixar done anything bad yet?). also "my sister's keeper" really IS the saddest movie. ever. 1 extra large box of kleenex gone between me and the monkey. sheesh. what am i, a girl?! oh. right. i am. and the one who cries all the dang time.

now we're watching nickelodeon's avatar: the last airbender. i never got to see all the episodes and the ones i did see were dreadfully out of order. i love little aang. he's so darn cute.

we're supposed to be cleaning too. i officially have one drawer cleaned out. it's a start. i'll do more once monkey is off on her holiday travels. she's hard to motivate. (ok, i mean me... *hangs head*)

kick back...

2009-12-18T22:12:00.004-06:00

and relax. as of 5pm, i was officially on my christmas vacation. i'm off until the 28th. it feels good. i need this. as soon as i hit publish on this, i'll put my sleeping companion, my best little monkey, to bed and go to mine.

dear santa, please make my house clean. i've been good this year. xoxo zeghsy

think it'll work?

p.s. marti just jumped on me. oof. fewer snacks for him.

scary...

2009-12-16T11:21:00.003-06:00

as of december 21st, monkey and i will not be dancing. sadly the monkey hasn't been doing well in school. this is troubling when anyone who has met her knows she should be acing school. this coming semester will be a lesson in learning her priorities and (hopefully) letting everyone in her world know that she is an A student and she will get those grades. even if it means she turns off everything around her to be able to focus. i know she'll do this. she was crushed when i told her of my decision to withdraw us from dance. we did quite a bit of crying. but as a good parent, i can not let her grades go without repercussions. Ds and Fs are just not acceptable. her father is not happy. sadly it's taken this for him to become interested in her schooling. she'll still have choir, which she loves. that is the one class she's getting the most solid A i've ever seen. she's hoping to prepare a solo for the solo/ensemble concert this spring. i've suggested she ask her teacher for help with this. sadly, i'm no help when it comes to singing. we've also asked her aunt, who in high school was a star herself, and sang at my wedding when i married monkey's dad. funny, i know she sang a beatles song, i know it was so beautiful it moved me to tears, but i can't remember WHAT song it was.

what scares me is that i've been using dance as a form of therapy for me. i'm sure i'll find something else. possibly join the anytime fitness club that is in my town... but i'm finding little moments of panic when i think about it.

i'm trying to look at the silver lining. i'll be able to save some money. i won't have to buy a ballroom gown for monkey just yet. (miss princess -- different princess than our princess mikkimoto -- wants her students to compete in wisconsin state dancesport competition this april and they require actual ballroom dress for the competition.) i'm going to FINALLY clean my house of all the crap that's in it. (here's where i ask that you guys get on my case about it.) i'm going to take the opportunity to get my life in order again. sorting will help.

i hope that i can count on you all to support me and remind me i won't die without dancing. or, take me out once in a while to the dance floors around here to boogie, even for an hour or two. :D

i'm still here...

2009-12-11T12:05:00.003-06:00

no, i haven't forgotten you. yes, i miss you too.

right now, i'm listening to lots of christmas music to get into the mood. it works... most of the time. there are a few songs that i can't listen to, i just skip that one, or play a cd instead.

last night, i made a quick present for a friend here at work. she liked it so much and had to show it off, i some how got an order for two more. and i'm getting paid! :)

today will be...

2009-11-12T09:49:00.002-06:00

interesting. i grabbed a hot straightening iron this morning and now have a minor burn. the monkey handed it to me and i wasn't paying attention (i thought i was grabbing the brush until i realized how hot it was). and now i just had a conversation with a friend about her ex boyfriend and it brought up feelings that apparently have been simmering under the surface. i'll be fine. but i'm worried about them. for different reasons. he's fighting something that only she sees and i see her willing to lose the fight for herself. i understand why she's doing it. he needs that friend, that person who won't let him go down easy. so i'm offering my support. she needs it just as much as he does. that one extra person in their corner. except now, i just want to go home and cry for the rest of the day.

say good-bye

2009-11-10T09:10:00.003-06:00

cute boy (aka cabana boy) has left. i think. i'm getting all sorts of information about him that definitely makes me glad nothing happened beyond some wishful thinking. it's ok. he was young. :) i never really expected anything to come of it anyway.

color me

2009-11-10T09:03:00.003-06:00

laura coulter

i would wear black. i always wear black. it's slimming (come on, who doesn't feel they could shed a pound or two). it suits almost all occasions. it can be dressed up and be straight up classy, or it can be just as comfy and casual as can be. most of my wardrobe is already black. as a plus, i look really good in black. :) i'm lucky enough to have a skin tone that is complimented by wearing black. sadly, i will never be a blond. funny side note: i was with another stylist -- mine was attending to a family emergency, never fear, i am loyal to my bradley -- and i asked matthew about going blond. he announced there is a shade of blond for everyone. "except you." to which i giggled, and everyone else in the business in the room looked at me, and agreed.

so i wear black.

*note: i WISH i had this dress. it is fabulous!

oh boy!

2009-11-03T14:11:00.003-06:00

so, my time off from work wasn't all that great. i ended up getting the cold that the receptionist had. figures. however, tomorrow the co-worker will be gone tomorrow through tuesday. 5 whole work days without him around. it's going to be glorious.

it's my favorite time of year

2009-10-29T12:42:00.000-05:00

halloween.

i had to change the colors to match. :D

one day i'll learn to make my own site and actually use nifty banners and such. one day...

in case any of y'all forgot

2009-10-29T12:10:00.002-05:00

i really don't like people. as a whole. and some specific ones. there are "persons" who's company i quite enjoy. sadly, i don't spend most of my day with them. last night, the monkey said that while she thinks working at a grocery store or restaurant (as examples) would be great experiences, she's pretty sure she would hate every moment of it, because as she puts it, she hates people, too. she made sure to put the "too" in that statement. she's so darn cute.

currently my receptionist is on my list. she's pretty much always on that list, but the last month or so, she's been #1. first she tries to spread rumors about me, now she's convinced she has the swine. lady, if you had the swine, what the h-e-double hockey sticks are you doing here? get your arse to the flippin' doctor and get your diagnosis/work excuse. quit making me sick. it's not she has to pay to visit the doctor. state health care for her, lazy cow. (trust me, i know she doesn't qualify any longer. i just haven't figured out how to have her case worker re-evaluate her case.) also, she seems to have a quack that will send in a note for her regardless if she and/or her spawn are seen by said quack.

and i'm pretty sure after today, the co-worker is #2. his presence is irritating. why can't he do more off-site visits? AND learn to understand that i don't like him that way. at all. never. ever. ever.

ugh.

because they're always 100% correct

2009-10-02T09:39:00.002-05:00

i took a facebook quiz to find out what i should be for halloween. a princess. hmm...

so i went shopping to find a princess dress. the first one didn't fit. it really would have been perfect. instead i found a black one and a red one. both full length. both strapless. both fit pretty dang perfect. both $10 each. thank you goodwill! i called cb for assistance in choosing one, he preferred the red one, but was really no help. so i got both. they need to be cleaned. whoever wore them last used A LOT of deodorant. i mean A LOT. i don't have any parties lined up, but i like dressing up. and maybe cb will be smart and invite me to one. otherwise i have two new dresses i can use for ballroom events.

i'm hoping for a date with cb tomorrow night. i hope.

last night L-word guy tried chatting. i'm cleaning this weekend. my house this time. i don't think he liked that. then later, he sends me texts saying he's near my neck of the woods. which caused me to start thinking awful things, like him stopping by my house (for the record: he does not know where i live, just the name of the town). that made my brain kick into overdrive and this cascade of crap started coming out of it. well i nipped that in the bud. no way was i going to get mad at him for something my whacked out brain came up with. sleeping pill: 1. crazy thoughts: 0. now i just feel thick today. not hungover, with the bad gross-ness feeling. thick.

according to silver b, cb and i just need to "get it on" and i'll calm down. hello?! don't you think that's what i want to happen!?! any day now please.

let me explain...

2009-09-24T11:08:00.003-05:00

ok. so, as you all know the senator and i are no more. it's ok. we're still pals and everything is hunky dory between us.

after that, i went on plenty of fish.com and looked around. apparently most of the guys on there (or at least the ones that messaged me) seem to think that "hi" or massively misspelled and incomplete sentences are acceptable and should have me falling at their feet. now, i don't claim to be a grammar guru, but i'm a fan of mostly proper english. or at least spell check. in any case, i managed to find a couple of guys worth replying to.

one was a dud. we met for the date (i'm glad i had to reschedule our first one -- not really worthy of dance -- is that bad? tough.). you know the music on almost every game show when you choose wrong or don't win the prize? THAT music went through my head when i saw him. bad, i know. well, i went through with it. you know, just in case. it was probably the only date i've ever been on where i thought getting home at 11pm was too late. he kept wanting to leave to go dancing somewhere. i couldn't think of anywhere he would feel comfortable. besides, it wasn't dancing he wanted to do, it was the highschool grind. bleh.

the other one (who technically was the first) was better. we clicked and have gone on a few more dates. however he was the guy who prompted this post. wants to move WAY too fast for me. which says to me, we're not getting the same thing from one another. yes, i like him. a lot. yes, i'd like to continue seeing him. but not seriously. he already threw out the "L" word.
*crickets*
... awkward ...
i've tried talking to him about how i'm feeling that he's moving faster than i'm comfortable with and that i don't feel that way about him yet. what's remained unspoken is that if he continues this way, i won't feel this way about him, ever. but it's always that next sentence. he has to know, right?

there's one more. cute boy. we've gone on a few dates. i actually started seeing him first (if we want to be technical). he makes me twitterpated. it's the best explanation for how i feel about him. i'm well aware of how goofy he makes me look. i forget to breathe around him. remember how we all used to get in school when it came to boys? he always touches my arm, plays footsie with me, or holds my hand whenever we're together. all i'm capable of is giggling and looking like a fool. he must find that endearing because he keeps calling and making dates.

i have a date with cb tonight. i have no idea what we're going to do. we've planned only one (this will be no. 4) but i'm not worried about it. i'd actually prefer to just go to his place and watch a movie, but he might not be ready for me to come over yet. we were only a few blocks from his place at our last date, no invitation was extended. we'll see i guess.

twitterpated

2009-09-23T13:21:00.002-05:00

think bambi. cute boy (or cabana boy, as one of the mom's from dance thinks i should call him) just called me at work. for the record, THIS is how one should feel when starting out with someone. we've only gone on a few dates, and i'm aware enough that doesn't mean anything relationship-wise. (read: this post -- someone still doesn't get it.) he makes my heart race and i can't keep from blushing. today he was trying to get me to come out to where he works to fix a printer. it's not really part of my job and i have to go up front in a few minutes to cover the front desk for the afternoon. he also wants me to be his boss. again... his boss has control issues and would freak the hell out if i suddenly became cb's boss. though, well... you can guess where my head just went. *blush*

oh, one more thing...

2009-09-10T16:17:00.003-05:00

the senator and i are kaput. princess mikkimoto and more... knew that already. from our rockin' version of blogher '09, the madison version.

it wasn't the miles between us. it was the distance. you can't shut someone out for weeks at a time and expect them to always be there. even a dog would leave. it doesn't help that i've been finding out things about him that would have made our relationship impossible, even if he was living next door. never fear, we're going to remain friends. no really. he needs someone who will stick around through his crap and i need more ppl who love me no matter what.

now it's been said. *sigh*

the one where i don't say much

2009-09-10T16:09:00.003-05:00

so, i have lots to say. except i have a headache right now. and tap class later. ugh. i'm not really looking forward to this. i won't have time for a nap before the class. unless i lay on the floor during the yoga class i wait in the lobby for. and nap then. in the lobby of my dance studio. what? i've done it before. in the dressing room of my old ballet studio. it would be 45 min of quiet time. and oh my damn i need some of that! so yah. i'm gonna pretend i'm typing with my face for the rest of work. then go hide at the studio until the monkey gets there for her lesson. and pray for quiet.

p.s.
i just found out (via stalking his fb page, sorry) that socrates and his gf are expecting. i'm a little sad that he didn't tell me, i guess i thought we were better friends than that. and i'm a little jealous.

speeding

2009-08-26T12:00:00.003-05:00

normally, i'm fine with speeding. i figure, it's your ticket. and i'm definitely guilty of speeding. IN MY CAR.

relationships... that's a whole other bowl of chili.

seriously guys. we like you. if we say, "i like you," we really do mean that. also when we say, "i need this to progress slowly," we mean that too. so when we say we aren't able to see you for a couple weeks, there are no games being played. we're just being aware of our schedules, children, and massive dance schedule. plus, when we say, "i'm sorry, i have to sleep," again, we mean that too.

(not sleeping causes me to get sick. very sick. not a visit to the emergency room sick. a visit to the mental ward sick. i don't like that kind of sick. it's very scary to too many people who are vital to my survival -- namely the monkey. and me. it's a scary place i don't want to go to again.)

so. again... we like you. we want to see you too. we miss you a lot, perhaps not as much as you think we should, but a lot. but. we had a life before you came along, and we're not exactly thrilled with you wanting us to chuck it because it doesn't suit your plans for us.

so with that, SLOW THE FUCK DOWN! kids these days. sheesh.

dancing machine

2009-07-31T09:46:00.002-05:00

what's the best place to go blow off steam?

the dance floor. anywhere i can find music and the space i need.

why do you go here when you need to unwind?

dancing is my release. i can think, work through problems. it's my "quiet" time. except i crank the music and move.

moving...

2009-07-30T10:58:00.004-05:00

i couldn't help it. the first note. the moment i saw it. the tears... i couldn't stop them if i had wanted and they deserved to come.

EDIT: again with videos being removed. *sigh*

it was pain and beauty and sorrow and joy and ... oh everything you could imagine.

i'll have to remember to bring lots of kleenex with me to the show.

woot!

2009-07-30T09:42:00.002-05:00

the monkey and i have tickets to see the sytycd tour when it comes to milwaukee in october. I. CAN. NOT. WAIT!!! silly? well, maybe a little. but it's inspiring to me. i will be attempting to choreograph a duet with the monkey for next spring's dance recital. thankfully, miss t is more than happy to help us. *whew* i think it's going to end up being contemporary. we've never been "trained" in that form, and the only partnering i've ever done has been ballroom. i'm planning lifts. eep!

oh yes, we're going.

2009-07-16T12:55:00.008-05:00

DEFINITELY. last night's episode of "so you think you can dance?" had me in tears. again. [SPOILER ALERT!] travis wall (2nd finalist from season 2 - danced mia michael's emmy winning routine with heidi) came back to the show to choreograph. omg! i lack words to adequately describe how amazing it was.

edit: silly links to non-existent videos. grr...

after the stand ovation provided by the judges (and all the tears provided by me) i promised the monkey that we would go see the tour. even if it meant that was our christmas presents. i have to see that dance again. even now, having just watched the video, i still choke up. (note to self: bring plenty of tissues. i hope the monkey will be ok with her mom sobbing her heart out watching that, in public.)

the tour comes to us in early october. tickets go on sale NEXT SATURDAY. needless to say, i WILL be getting us tickets. because ... damn. that was beautiful.

*ignore the little ad. the first video i chose was removed. :(

reserved

2009-07-15T10:26:00.003-05:00

i watched the latest true blood episode last night. ooh... now, to get reading the books. i have the list all worked up, and the first one reserved. but... i'm the 104th request for that book. they have a lot in our system, but still. *sigh* also, requesting one at a time to make sure i get them in order. it's going to take me a long time. :(

*thank you princess mikkimoto for the library link too. :D

oh! em! gee! are you for real?

2009-07-14T16:41:00.004-05:00

how does the co-worker even function in today's society? i mean, he's in it, and has a mobile phone that is older than the monkey. really? i don't think he's ever sent a text message. i set up the smartphone another employee was given for work because the co-worker has no idea how to work one.

today i spontaneously giggled aloud while reading an email a friend of mine sent me. he asked about the joke, because i can usually keep my giggles much quieter than that. when i told him she had used the word "twitterpated," he gave me a blank stare. seriously? how can anyone from our generation NOT know what twitterpated means? get this. he actually thought it was a word stemming from twitter. a social forum that i'm QUITE sure he has never used. along with facebook, plaxo, linked in, etc... i don't even think he has a myspace page.

worse yet, he couldn't remember what movie it was from!!!

a decided lack of things...

2009-07-14T11:25:00.003-05:00

i'd post something. but... i haven't had anything much to say. i've been a huge kick of doing nothing much. oh i watched a bunch of true blood (my new addiction!) recently. i'm all caught up, i think. i've read some pretty ok books. mostly vampire. mostly young adult/teen. it's kind of fun having a pre-teen. she's 12 now. eep!

time capsule #3

2009-07-01T10:45:00.002-05:00

ok. i took a lot of photos of loud. i mean a lot. thank goodness she's smokin' and totally photogenic.

time capsule #2

2009-07-01T10:38:00.004-05:00

wow. loud totally rockin' out. hehehe...

"calgon, take me away!"

2009-06-29T11:12:00.005-05:00

i love lists. here's my "to-do list" for the summer. here's hoping it doesn't stop at the beginning of school this fall.

clean my house: because if i don't, i'm going to want to burn it down or go completely mad. neither is a very good option.

spend as little as possible: i'd like to use what i have. sure the economy needs my money, but i don't have enough to give it lots. i'm realistic enough to know that i can't stop spending all together. i have a growing monkey and a shopping itch that needs scratching regularly. but i AM trying to be far more honest with whether or not i need something. will i actually use it? will i really wear it?

get back into shape: a couple of years ago, i lost a lot of weight. while i loved losing it, it wasn't done healthy. this summer i'd like to get my butt moving and get it back to where it was. i know i already eat relatively healthy (ignore the bag of pretzels at my desk) but i haven't been moving as much. the dog needs it. i need it. move we will.

clean my house, for real: did i mention clean my house? because it needs it. badly. anyone have an extra trash can i can use?

do not

2009-06-16T16:44:00.003-05:00

if you're not going to take my suggestions seriously and/or strike them down, DO NOT ask for them in the first place. it's a gigantic waste of everyone's time.

i've been on/off about going to dance tonight. i'm pretty sure i'm going now. i need the discipline to burn off the anger of being talked over and completely ignored even when my opinion is solicited.

update...

2009-06-01T11:28:00.004-05:00

so the senator is talking again. here's hoping he remembers i want to help when and where i can, but that i can't if he doesn't tell me he needs it. i can understand the feeling that he shouldn't have to ask for help, that he should be able to do it all on his own. but if he can't ask me for help, the woman he wants having his babies, who is he able to ask?

during all of this, i asked my bff for the reminder he gave me the last time this happened. i said i was hurting because of this, and his response was "how is he hurting you? by not talking to you for a little while?" that was received yesterday, mid-day. i still want to rip his head off and scream down his throat. so, no, there hasn't been a response from me.

while the bff seems to think i'm blowing this out of proportion, i have another friend who can't understand why i'm putting up with it and still with the senator. but then he doesn't seem to understand depression and other mental illnesses. he certainly doesn't understand mine.

i want to continue making the plans for monkey and i to move to georgia. but i can't in good conscience do that until i feel more stable in our relationship. and yes, i've told the senator this. here's hoping it doesn't spark another silence. in the meantime, i'll try to plan a summer trip out there. maybe with monkey, maybe not. *sigh*

time capsule #1

2009-06-01T09:17:00.006-05:00

ooh... i think i'm going to like this photojojo thingy... i signed up ages ago. today is my first time capsule. :)

lookie here.

fun! especially since the lovely lady in that photo is our one and only loud. tomorrow is her birthday AND she's going on a trip that has me SOOOO... jealous. happy birthday and have a blast on your trip, loud. be safe and come home with tons of stories to share!

weather report

2009-05-27T13:46:00.002-05:00

it's cold and rainy. suits my mood perfectly. it almost lets me pretend my mood isn't quite so stormy. i can just say it's the weather. except it's not. if it was sunny, i'm quite sure my mood would be most foul. *sigh* meh.

i know...

2009-05-27T01:03:00.002-05:00

i should be sleeping. i want to be. but i'm kind of afraid to. ugh. this sucks. at least the weather suits my mood. i feel like i'm mourning. again. i just want to know and be able to move forward.

hello? anyone there?

2009-05-26T23:55:00.007-05:00

i don't know what to say. what to do. how can i help? or even just be supportive? the senator isn't talking to me. again. he's shutdown. or shut me out. i don't know. last time, i emailed, text'd, called... at least once a day (definitely more). at first to find out what was going on. then to let him know i was hurt and angry. then to let him know i still care and was here when he was ready. he had his reasons for this. but we've since talked about it. and i let him know how much it hurt my feelings and made me angry. but this time, there wasn't any reason i could see to shut me out. again. last time i was told to be patient, that if i didn't push, things would get sorted out faster. ok. so this time, its been four days since the last time i heard from him. the first time it was seven. i'm not sure how long i can keep this up. i called tonight, hoping. apparently that was too much. if i don't keep myself constantly distracted, i get this lump in my throat that i can't swallow past too well. i feel vaguely nauseous (no, i'm NOT pregnant). i want to cry. not just the tears i cry when watching grey's anatomy (omg, i've NEVER NOT cried at that damn show), but the body racking sobs that little kids do when they're over-tired and hungry and things have just gone wrong once too often. if i don't keep myself distracted, i think about all the things that won't be happening. the faces i don't see in my dreams any longer. he said he was not like the other men in my life. no? right now, i'm not sure i see the difference.

*for the record, i'm not looking for anyone to tell me it's ok to end it. i'm not ready to end it. i still want to fight for what i want. i just need to know i'm not the only one fighting...

i <3 my monkey

2009-05-22T09:34:00.004-05:00

"A mother understands what a child does not say."
-Jewish proverb

i'm skipping dance tonight, to hang out with the monkey. sometimes, even though we're always together, i miss her. now is one of those times.

the one where i babble

2009-05-19T16:25:00.003-05:00

i miss my iphone. not enough to run out and switch from the blackberry, but enough that when it's time to make the change... i just might.

i have an orchestra concert for the monkey to attend tonight. i'm pretty sure i'm going to find the darkest corner to sit in at the high school theatre and read until they turn the lights down and (hangs head in some shame) attempt to blog from the aforementioned blackberry.

[ok. so i forgot half of what i was going to say in this. oh well. having trouble caring today.]

man, i could use a beer tonight. *sigh*

feeling...

2009-05-18T11:35:00.002-05:00

lost? i feel like there are things i need to say, but i'm not sure how to say them. i'm not even sure exactly WHAT i want to say... phooey. :(

oh my damn...

2009-05-14T11:18:00.003-05:00

wow. i didn't realize how long it has been since i've posted. lots been going on. not all of it good or worth talking about. you know, life.

the senator came to visit me. he met the monkey. i see trouble from them. the kind where i have to shout in the house, "it's too quiet. what are you two up to?!" and then just hope i don't find the two of them plotting something diabolical.

i'm really glad they hit it off. it makes dating SO much easier. especially since she really hated the last serious one. still reminds me how much she doesn't (yes, it's an active dislike) him. even her father mentioned it the other day. "no, she really doesn't like him at all." which made us all giggle. and then i apologized for subjecting her to his presence. thankfully she thinks i'm pretty cool and forgave me. i do <3 that kid an awful lot.

honestly...

2009-04-16T09:13:00.002-05:00

what would any of us REALLY do with 3 extra hours? duh... SLEEP! 3 extra hours would mean i would finally get right amount of sleep, every night, and i could stop feeling like crap every day.

sweet crunchy snack is NOT what i think of when i think of her...

2009-04-12T03:32:00.004-05:00

copped from ChopSuzy's FB page:

Crackerjack, Mad Rolling Dolls co-founder, past GM, coach, star
skater, crowd favorite and current WFTDA president, needs your help
and support.

She’s in a legal battle with Frito-Lay, which bought the Cracker Jack
Brand. F-L is challenging her effort to trademark her Derby name
“Crackerjack”. She needs to do this so she can be an avatar in the
Frozen Codebase Roller Derby video game.

This is a huge corporate giant trying to squelch a derby girl. We
can’t just sit by and let this happen, can we?

Last year Starbucks tried to squelch the Rat City league for trademark
infringement, claiming the logos were too similar. Rat City got
Starbucks to back off. Let’s do the same to Frito-Lay!

Here’s how you can help CJ in this brawl:

Send a message to Frito-Lay letting them know that you and all your
fellow league members and fans will boycott their junk food for the
rest of your natural lives unless they drop this frivolous legal
action.

Go to http://www.fritolay.com/about-us/contact-us.html and sign in and do it!

Messages you could incorporate:

1. Crackerjack is a one-word noun or adjective that refers to an
exceptional person or thing. Cracker Jack is a sweet and nutty treat.
No one would mistake a roller girl for popcorn!

2. There are thousands of members of Roller Derby leagues in the
U.S., and they have tens of thousands of fans. If Frito-Lay pursues
this frivolous legal action, we’ll all boycott all Frito-Lay products
and encourage our friends and everyone in our social networks to do
the same.

3. Given the popularity of modern Roller Derby, if Frito-Lay were
smart, they would drop this silly legal action and sign this gorgeous
and articulate young athlete as a spokesmodel for their product and
watch their sales figure skyrocket.

If you don’t have time to write your own message just copy this one:

“Crackerjack is not a sweet and nutty treat! She is a roller derby
star athlete. Stop this legal nonsense, or, trust me, I will never
buy another Frito Lay product. If you had any sense, you’d sign this
gorgeous and articulate skater on as a spokesmodel for your product
and stand back and watch your sales skyrocket.”

Go to http://www.fritolay.com/about-us/contact-us.html and sign in and do it!

Then send this info on. Post it to your myspace and facebook pages.
Twitter it. E-mail it to your friends in other leagues. Let’s go
viral and help CJ win against the Walmart of tooth decay!

(the actual blog post that started this campaign: http://www.heratylaw.com/news/ AND the post that grabbed our attention: http://www.derbynewsnetwork.com/blog/justice_feelgood_marshall/2009/04/bout_preview_crackerjack_vs_fritolay)

keeping in touch from oregon, wi to savannah, ga

2009-04-09T12:32:00.002-05:00

i met him at the beginning of october last year. i wasn't looking. i was actually dating (casually) a friend of his, who ended up encouraging us to get together.

the senator lives too dang far away. i miss him. a lot. i need to go see him again. i think within the next couple of months.

i'm going to start planning the trip. ;)

whoops, 'scuse me.

2009-04-06T09:33:00.003-05:00

(this is actually me! i'm dancing a foxtrot with my teacher.)

*grin* i'm famous for my lack of grace OFF the dance floor. apparently, i'm so graceful (so i'm told) while i'm dancing. but i can trip literally the moment i walk off the dance floor.

stuck in an elevator with the senator

2009-04-02T09:29:00.002-05:00

the senator
duh, he's the bf. that should just be common sense. sheesh.

silver b
because as much as i love the senator, he can't dance yet. silver b on the other hand is a FABULOUS dancer. plus he could teach the senator a thing or two.

*silver b is a misleading name. he's at the gold level, but "gold b" just doesn't have the same ring. sorry bud, you'll always be silver b to me. ;)

simple questions...

2009-04-01T10:48:00.002-05:00

when ever i ask the co-worker something i think is a simple question, we always get into it. and i hate it, because he always feels the need to have the last word and is so obtuse he can't hear when you're telling him the conversation is done because you want to punch him in the face.

need. caffeine. badly.

2009-03-27T10:05:00.002-05:00

not that i'm overly tired... i just feel drained. like i could sleep for days. or it has everything to do with the fact that i've seen the sun for about 5 minutes in the last 3 days. and tomorrow it's supposed to snow?! what the fuck is that all about? sheesh.

what weird? here's for weird. a year and a half ago, i wanted my ex-bf and his new (not sposed to be) gf so gone from my life i occasionally wished them dead. hey, i admit i was wrong and super messed up about it. well a year ago, i made the decision to just deal with them since they obviously weren't leaving my life. i was going to make the best of a bad situation. last week, i hung out with them. with alcohol. no one died. no one even got mildly upset. this weekend? i'm going to borrow a dress of hers for a dance thing i'm going to. (my clothes aren't fitting the wrong way. it upsets me. i don't want to wear the ONE dress i have that fits and i don't have a new dress in my budget.) we're a similar size, i'm about 4 or 5 inches taller than she is. this is totally weird for me. i'm littered with bruises from trying to wake myself from the dream. but obviously i'm not dreaming.

*dazed*

2009-03-18T11:30:00.002-05:00

hi internet. i've missed you. not that i've been gone, just hermit-ing. there's a funk that overtakes me from thanksgiving to valentine's day and i never really get out of it until st. patrick's day. that's over. i think. (never say never, right?) i'm back, -ish. at least i'm back to letting y'all know how irritating certain people are. (see previous post.)

you can call me...

2009-03-16T15:45:00.002-05:00

when "dances with wolves" came out, my brother announced that my indian name would be 'needs a job'. i was in high school and between jobs. i told him he was funny and would now be known as 'gets beat up by his sister'. yep, he got a pounding that day.

die die die!

2009-03-16T15:34:00.001-05:00

little bitch wanker fucking douche bag of a co-worker.

oh my

2009-03-06T10:38:00.002-06:00

there's just something about this one... i think it's susan sarandon's response of "oh my" after he's done. it's just good.

"well, i believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of susan sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. i believe lee harvey oswald acted alone. i believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing astroturf and the designated hitter. i believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents christmas morning rather than christmas eve and i believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days." -crash davis

bumper sticker for the day

2009-02-23T11:44:00.002-06:00

i saw this on a big ol' truck this morning on my drive into work.

firemen
find 'em hot, leave 'em wet

HAHAHA!!!

i'm such a 12 year old horn-dog today. we all know what that means.

holy creepiness dude!

2009-02-06T10:49:00.002-06:00

valentine wedding present cake by Manassas Cakery

a former friend showed up at my dance studio one evening in september last year. i hadn't spoken to him (email, text msging, in person) in around 6 months and he just shows up. with a birthday present for me. my birthday is in june. he brought me a hello kitty necklace. i love hello kitty, so at least he had been paying attention. though i already had that one. it still sits in the box he gave it to me in. i won't wear it. i stopped talking to him because his behavior was making me uncomfortable. case in point, showing up, uninvited, to my dance studio. i haven't talked to him since. he did approach me once at a bar while i was with friends. he asked to speak to me and i let him know anything he wanted to say could be said in front of my friends (no way was i leaving with him). he found this unacceptable and stormed off. needless to say, i don't miss him. he creeps me out. ick.

my fear of public speaking

2009-02-06T09:23:00.002-06:00

i haven't passed a single speech class. i hate having to speak publicly. i feel as though i start talking and stop making any sense or even following the topic i was speaking about. i ramble. everywhere. we lovingly call it "tangentialistic". i claim the word. i have a flag. do you have a flag? no, then it's mine.

my favorite room

2009-02-06T09:19:00.002-06:00

Ballet Dancing by Tommy Wong (Tom@HK)

ok. yes, i'm a dork. but i feel most at home and comfortable at the studio. i love dancing so much. recently, i spent more waking hours at the studio than at home. it was just the most comfortable place i knew.