Terminology

The co-worker is having an issue with the muckity-mucks not using the correct terminology. I suggested making a picture book dictionary. He's not willing to allow that because "well if this picture doesn't look exactly like theirs, then its wrong." I say he's giving them more issues than they have. Take an apple. How many apples do you know of? Think of all the colors and shapes. But they're all still an apple. So if I make something with the terms the muckity-mucks are misusing, it's still what the picture is even if it's not identical. He gets so wound tight and nothing gets in. And I'm the one with the mental disease.

Then there is his hand holding. *sigh* If they have climbed the corporate ladder, they have achieved some tangible education. Which means, if you offer them a set of steps to do something, they should be able to follow those steps and complete the task. And failing to do so, does not automatically become my department's fault. Our boss and I won't tolerate the whining that comes with the "but can't you do it for me?" Perhaps it's because we're both mothers and he hasn't any children. Maybe that gives us an edge he lacks. But if Monkey needed to learn to tie her shoes so I wouldn't be doing it for her in college, then the adults in upper management can learn to enter their own password in the company smartphones.

This is not a week we want to poke this bear. I will fight back. And I will win, by whatever means necessary.

This Is Hard

*sigh* I don't know how to do this. Today... well yesterday was much better. I'm tired. The day just drags on. Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to work and I will have to act like this weekend didn't happen. The racing thoughts are back. I get the emotions are all always there. I just hate that I get SO angry and I have nothing I can do about that energy. I ... I feel like an idiot. A huge flaming idiot. I feel like every muscle in my body has completely knotted up. The amount of shaking I did in the last two days, frankly I'm surprised I was able to write anything and didn't fall off my chair. Now I have a kink in my shoulder making me not want to move. The shaking has stopped for now. I'm not sure when the tears will. Which means my eyes will still burn.

*sigh*

Well, Shit

This the worst I think I've been since being diagnosed. I'm nauseous. I feel hollow. My heart hurts. My head hurts. I don't want to kill myself but sure as shit don't want to be alive. I know what I have but am blinded by what I don't. I hate this disease. It takes over and makes me awful. Yes. I've been taking my medication. No I haven't called my therapist. I'm trying to see about a new one. Yes I left her a message. I'm hoping she calls back soon. I don't know if she handles this. I have an appointment with my medication therapist next Friday. Something needs to change. I'm so exhausted by this. I want to curl up and die. Putting Monkey through this is so unfair to her. It's so unfair that I did everything right and I'm still going trough this. And explaining to someone that yes, I know what's real, the problem is all this feels real too. That I'm going to be alone forever. No one wants me. I don't want me, why would anyone else? I was truly happy for a brief moment but I don't get to keep it. How do I know I will find that again? I need to KNOW. Why is it wrong to want what everyone else has? Why can't I have that too? Why can't he drop everything to help me right now? We've seen when I'm good I can handle things. We know this. I stepped aside when she needed his help. I said I'd wait and do what I could to help. But when it's me, I'm told not to be selfish and manipulative. How is a fucking disease I was most likely born with manipulative of anyone other than me??? It's so hard not to just scream at the top of my lungs until I have no voice. Or break everything I can get my hands on. "Hulk smash!" Maybe that's what was wrong with Bruce Banner. I want to cut my heart out, toss it in the trash and just walk away. I want to vomit so much I finally just pass out. Or maybe I should just dope up until I'm a zombie (hello Prozac). If I can't feel it won't hurt. There's no cat for me to get at the end of this. Marti would be jealous. For how much this hurts I'm angry I won't have any external injuries to show for this. I want to look as beat up as I feel. And I want to be able to say, "You should see the other guy.". A writer I am not. Paragraphs that make sense don't flow from me. Stream of consciousness makes sense to me if I read it months later or even if it's someone else's consciousness. Puffy eyes. Tear stains on my cheeks. Exhaustion in my face. Pants that will fall off me soon. This is the face of a crash victim of bi polar. Not a scar or bruise to be seen, but I wish there was. I'd have war wounds from my battles. Claw marks that run across my body. Get mauled by a tiger, everyone can tell. Get mauled by bi polar, you're the only one. Get over it. Get back to work, to life. Snap out of it. You're being a baby. Believe me. I would do just that if I could.

The problem is I can't.

Warning: Stream of Consciousness

*This hasn't been edited. I just wrote what popped onto my head.

How am I supposed to maintain a relationship when I can't even trust the thoughts in my head? He tells me things. And I know them to be true. I *know* it. But then my mind twists it all into something ugly and mean. I lash out because I can't hold it in anymore. I say things I don't want to say because they're mean and spiteful. But I'm hurting and I want it to stop. So I pretend I don't care. Even though we all know I care more than I should. I think if I'm alone no one can hurt me. No one can disappoint me. He doesn't do it on purpose. The world around us happens whether I'm ready for it or not. I hide in my space. He deals with the world. But I want him with me. I'm tired of fighting myself alone. Battling thoughts that aren't even my own. But they're in my head, don't they belong to me? If they do then I'm a mean, hateful person. I don't want to be that. Make them stop. I'm not like that. I don't want to be that girl. No, I don't care if everyone doesn't like me. But the people I like/love... I want them to like/love me back. But who wants to love someone who snaps for no reason Or is irrationally angry over something minor. Or gets so out of control she doesn't recognize herself anymore. And doesn't even like herself. I promised a long time ago not to hurt myself. But the broken part of me doesn't care what I promised people even yesterday. It just hurts until I want the hurt physical. So it's something I can fix. Unfortunately stitches won't fix this. I don't know what will. This is something I can't fix on my own and I have a very hard time asking for help when I know I will always need it. Is it even fair of me to ask for him to help me?

Count Your Blessings (Instead Of Sheep)

When I'm worried and I can't sleep
I count my blessings instead of sheep
And I fall asleep counting my blessings
When my bankroll is getting small
I think of when I had none at all
And I fall asleep counting my blessings

I think about a nursery and I picture curly heads
And one by one I count them as they slumber in their beds
If you're worried and you can't sleep
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings

I think about a nursery and I picture curly heads
And one by one I count them as they slumber in their beds
If you're worried and you can't sleep
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings

-Cole Porter

I'm having a major downswing. Yes, I'm taking my medication. No, I haven't missed a dose. I don't remember much about the manic period. I think I was angry about a lot. It's right before Christmas, usually. This year is particularly bad. One day, I'll be able to spend New Year's Eve without being in tears... Right, the blessings.

My daughter. Without her I would not be alive. My friends. Any hope of sanity would be completely gone without them. My love. I can live without you, I just don't want to. My health. Even though I'm a nutcase I'm a healthy nutcase. My job. I hate it but I have one. My house. It's never been home for me but it's more than others have. (Uh oh, resolution?) My family. You're fucked up, it's genetic. But your mine and I still kinda love you.

If a Man Wants You - DivineCaroline

A friend of mine shared this on Facebook. It was EXACTLY what I needed to see. I want to share it with all of you as well.

So Tired of It

I am tired of being broke. I'm quite sure a lot of you know what I'm talking about. This will be one of the slimmest Christmas' of our lives. If it can't be crocheted, no one is getting it. At least not from me. Thank goodness Monkey has experience slim Christmas' before. And that she doesn't really need anything right now.

Dear Santa,
Could you please take care of my bills? I've been good this year.
Thank you,
zeghsy

A New Cake Recipe

The preceding post is brought to you by my absolutely shitty love life. It's no longer complicated, it's just non-existent. I have that song on repeat. Have since yesterday after work. I got the email at 11:30pm Tuesday night. Coward.

But the song isn't to feed my depression. Its to remind me I came from so much worse than this and became stronger and more beautiful. My bounce will be back soon. You'll see the fierce me.

A friend just said to me, "If you make a cake the same way and it's wrong, of course you end up with a crappy cake every time. We have to look at your recipe and how you bake it." So, I'm getting a new cake recipe. Any suggestions would be welcome.

I allowed myself to wallow yesterday. All black, sunglasses in the office, crying the whole way home. I'm done now. Onward and upward. I knew when this started I wouldn't let it consume me like it had before.

Take a good look buddy. You lost all this and more. You've made your bed, I hope you like laying in it for eternity. 

I Found A Boy

I thought I told you, he'd be home soon
Couldn't help myself, you're too good to be true.
I fall short each time,
Every time he ain't here,
You and your charm creep closer, closer in here,
Like a fool for fire I fall, with my pride and all.
Like a bomb before explosion,
Ticking by your call.
You're the wiser one, disguised from greed,
And I'm just a child who belongs on her knees.

But I found a boy who I love more,
Than I ever did you before,
So stand beside the river I cried,
And let yourself down!
Look how you want me now that I don't need you.

So, you thought that I would crumble to my knees
At the first sight of you, crawling back to me
To whisper "will you leave your man?"
Cause you swear that this time you can stand by me. I won't stand by you.

Cause I found a boy who I love more,
Than I ever did you before,
So stand beside the river I cried
And let yourself down!
Look how you want me now that I don't need you.

I ain't yours for no taking,
You must be mistaken
I could never look in your eyes, and settle for wrong
And ignore the right

Well I found a boy who loves me more,
Than you ever did me before.
So stand beside the river you'll cry
And let yourself down!
Look how you want me now that I don't need you.

-Adele

This is my kid

And I love admitting it!

The difficult thing

First, I'm not quitting. I just can't think of anything to say. I'd talk about my love life, but it's complicated and not necessarily my story to share. Nothing really worth sharing happens at work anymore. Monkey is taking her teenage years seriously and we're hitting it like a brick wall. I'd share tidbits about her but we haven't had the "Mom you can't blog about me anymore. Gawd! You're ruining my life-a!" talk. I don't cook. I don't live on a ranch. I am crazy, but other than messing with my love life, it's pretty well under control. *sigh* I'm sure il come up with something. Just bought you'd like to know I was still alive and kicking.

Brilliant. Off to bed for me now. Dance class tomorrow and then a date. Still not sure if I want this date. I'll go. I'm just not sure it will be everything we're thinking it will be. And we have fairly different ideas on how it will go.

Oh The Unfairness of It All

Because it's going to be a gazillion degrees today, Monkey wore a very cute top and shorts to school. The top has spaghetti straps. They're not allowed at school. I'm waiting for the call from school. Not to bring her a different shirt, but because she is being insubordinate. She said if she was asked to change, she would tell "them" that the only way she would, is if they had anyone else wearing clothing that violated the dress code change as well. I told her I would stick up for her. this would not be the first time she's experienced this issue. Her friend had to call her mother to ask her to bring some pants, because she was told her dress was too short. She had dark tights on. Other girls on that same day, had shorter skirts/dresses and no tights. My daughter is one of the last people who dresses inappropriately. She understands fashion but has a sense of self worth that makes it so she doesn't feel the need to flaunt her body. She recently had a dance recital that one of her costumes she felt was too short. This all while she was wearing opaque tights and dance pants under the skirt (which had built in shorts). I'm sure there will come a day when I have to ask her to cover up before leaving the house, but thankfully, that time isn't now.

Really?

I was so proud of myself this morning. I had decided what I wanted for lunch today before 10am. I sent the co-worker an email about it.

To: Co-worker
From: zeghsy
Sent: Thu 5/5/2011 9:54 AM
Subject: Happy Cinco de Maio

*Suggestion for local Mexican restaurant we both enjoy*?

His response? "I ate stuffed peppers last night and now I'm not sure I can do Mexican again today. I may not even make it through the day here."

Really? What is he, new?

~~~~~

Later, I'm complaining to our boss about someone else who can't seem to follow direction, knows he's not following direction, and makes "witty remarks" about it. I think I should return the task he'd like me to do, with a reminder to follow the instructions, and see how many times it takes. The co-worker seems to think I should change how I receive my tasks, making MORE WORK for me by having to track time spent on the tasks. Removing options until you force someone to do a thing the way you want, doesn't teach them anything. He's an enabler. I hate it.

I really need a new job.

I feel like I've "arrived"

I received my first spam comment. I feel like I'm on the red carpet of the blogging world. It was in Russian, and talked politics (which I NEVER do) and was NOTHING about my post. I think it would have only been better if it had told me I could increase the size of my penis and/or helped out my long lost, gazillionaire uncle from Uganda.

How Do Regular People Do This?

I spent all of last year avoiding too much "excitement". I tend to crash. Hard. They say life is a rollercoaster. Rollercoasters make me sick. Life is boring as all get-out, but the lack of nausea sometimes makes up for that. My emotions are all over the place. I have trouble remembering which way is up. Yes, I'm remembering my medication. These are the times I hang on to it like a life line. All that crap I went through before is so close I can almost touch it. And it scares the shit out of me. I need a bucket to start bailing and all I have is a cup. Where are my hip-waders? (Which by the way, I'm thinking of making fashionable. You know you'd love a hot pink pair, with say, skulls on them to be edgy. Or in a cute plaid.)