the one where i don't say much

so, i have lots to say. except i have a headache right now. and tap class later. ugh. i'm not really looking forward to this. i won't have time for a nap before the class. unless i lay on the floor during the yoga class i wait in the lobby for. and nap then. in the lobby of my dance studio. what? i've done it before. in the dressing room of my old ballet studio. it would be 45 min of quiet time. and oh my damn i need some of that! so yah. i'm gonna pretend i'm typing with my face for the rest of work. then go hide at the studio until the monkey gets there for her lesson. and pray for quiet.

p.s.
i just found out (via stalking his fb page, sorry) that socrates and his gf are expecting. i'm a little sad that he didn't tell me, i guess i thought we were better friends than that. and i'm a little jealous.

because i apparently pay such close attention...

welcome to post # 102. :) -- duh me.

my weekend:

friday, after two quick errands and nails (seriously cut down, i'm tired of stabbing myself with my talons -- rawr!), i drove to the lovely appleton area. neenah to be exact. my lovely friend silver b just moved into a cute little house with his cousin. they think it's small. HA! i could fit my bed room in their kitchen. hating just a little. anywho... silver b was taking me dancing. not just clubbing either. actual ballroom dancing. at a ballroom! lots of fun. i didn't dance quite as much as i would have liked to, but definitely more than i would at a regular friday night party. two dances with other guys, the rest with b. of course it wasn't until the last dance that i finally start getting his leads better. *sigh* that just means i have to go visit a lot more often. :D and when i finally get to meet his gf (work got in the way this weekend), he'll be totally pimpin'. *snicker*

speed and i saw the dark knight saturday, imax'd. i 'just' caught the trailer for watchmen -- whoa. dk was everything i had hoped for. (to the movie gods above) thank you for not disappointing me. how come everyone didn't like 'the batman' voice? um... you put a suit on like that and expect to talk normally. sheesh. hello, IT FIT THE ROLE. and for those of you who couldn't understand him (i've read blogs that said that?!?!), turn around and tell the amazingly huge people who climbed to the top of the theatre to stop snorting their popcorn so they stop sounding like they're having sex during the movie. duh, sex happens because of batman, not during.

speed is at a work conference in d.c. this week. his plane left freakishly early sunday morning and being the good friend i am, i took him to the airport. we left his place at 5:15am. ugh. the sun was completely up by the time i got home and marti would not stop licking. grr...

my brother was supposed to have moved here back in april. then he was supposed to have moved to texas this weekend. well he's still in northern va. even if it's for a few months, i'd love for him to come here. it's only a little detour... i miss him. a lot. send him love.

i was supposed to have spent the weekend with socrates. i didn't. things are... on hold between us, as usual. as long as he's being honest with me, i'm still cool with things.

national night out -- TONIGHT?!?!?

i know it's national night out. but i'd really like a night IN. there laundry to be done, old episodes of grey's anatomy to be watched (and subsequently cried over), and a special monkey to be cuddled. plus oodles of photos still to be edited from showcase. a night out? i don't think it's going to happen.

then there's the whole deal with my weekend now. am i going to appleton to see socrates or is he coming down to visit his family and spend a few hours with me? i would prefer me going there. i get much more time with him PLUS i get the added bonus of hanging out with my new buddy silver b. i guess we'll talk about it more later this week. but at the moment, i'm not happy with the direction my weekend (that i've been planning for 3 weeks now) seems to be going.

sucky...

i hate that i miss him so much. i called him last night. he just called me back. disappointed? yah, i was but hey, shit happens. now i want to cry.

we had made plans for me to go see him this weekend, but now he says he might be coming down here to see family. while that's cool (petrol is freaking expensive after all), i was looking forward to not being around here, getting away, and i had made some plans with new friends up by him for friday night.

there's the time. i didn't see him until almost 1am last time. if he wants to go dancing, we really can't wait that long. we had an issue with rude dancers last time and it colored our evening. i don't want to sit around doing nothing all day and most of the night, while i wait for him. (yes, i know. i shouldn't wait for any man to call. i should just go and do the thing i want.) also, i want to be able to just be alone with him.

i love each and every moment i have with him. but sometimes, i kind of wish he hadn't called me again. my life really wouldn't be any different. i'm trying to live, not hoping for him. i mean, i have speed here. he and i aren't ready for more. while socrates and i want more, he can't give it to me, yet. if ever. so i take his friendship and i don't ask for more.

disappointed. yah. enough that my lesson tonight will be a little difficult.

happy birthday!

today is socrates birthday. no not THE socrates, my socrates. both really cool guys, i just know mine a little better. plus he's not, you know, dead. i called this morning to wish him a happy birthday. i woke him up. oops. i know he went back to sleep. i'm excited. i saw him saturday. and i get to see him again in 17 days. that's when he'll get his birthday present. i still have to figure out what that's going to be. i also need to be smart. i need pictures of him.

weekend recap

friday, dress rehearsal. i think i stopped shaking after drink 5. i was at the bar by then. *sigh* but i got to see two good friends that i haven't seen in a while, and flirted shamelessly with my favorite bartender. since it's mutual flirting, it's lots of fun. :) it never hurts that he loves knowing i ballroom dance. who'd have thought that's such a turn-on for a non-dancer? stayed up way too late talking with him.

saturday. at bar time friday, i'd gotten a text from socrates saying that he was coming to see his family and wanted to see me. i spent the day sleeping and drove to mineral point to see him that night. it's SO SO SO nice to show my rehearsal video of my foxtrot to him. i get 6 years of teaching ballroom advice, all to myself. tips shared: look in the direction of my traveling spins, keep my head outside partner (almost) in my pivots, core core core. did i mention he said to keep my core toned? coz he mentioned it. nothing like getting pointers in teeny bar in mineral point, wi. we gave them something to talk about though. :) food for conversation.

sunday. slept again most of the day. i didn't get home until 4:30 in the morning. speed called when he got home from his tubing trip with his cousin. he was hungry. after being awake for about 5 minutes, i discovered i was too. grabbed some eats. sir hobo's is not as bad as the name would make you think. watched 300. violent. but yummy digitally enhanced bods.

now i'm suffering for my play. i'm so tired and my sinuses are killing me. oh well. i can rest when i'm dead. :D

out of the woodwork

standing outside the studio tonight, chatting with loud, (omg i love her bicycle!) when who pulls up but the sergeant. i haven't seen him in forever. wow... he's redeploying in a few months. more worry.

socrates called saturday night. he didn't sound good. i hope he talks about it with me. i worry about him. a lot. i think he forgets how important to me he is. i can understand. he's dealing with a lot of things. stuff i wish i could just make go away for him. i know he has to do it himself. but i'm not sure how often i'm allowed to remind him, i want to hold his hand so he knows he's not alone. plus opposite shifts and being two hours apart ($4.07 a gallon! wtf!) doesn't make it easier.

speed and i went to the art fair on the square, saturday. we made it through most of it before we decided we were done. i bought my mom a mug. pink. with a flamingo. she'll love it. :) we looked a lots and lots of very cool stuff. we definitely like the photographers the best. then i made him go to the cardinal with me. he was reluctant at first but we ended up having a great time. i was good and remembered to introduce him to everyone. i'm usually really bad at that. the fun continued... sunday after lunch, we took what ended up being a 3 hour nap. WHEW!

so there i was

sitting on my bed, minding my own business, crying because i'm a sucker for a good love story. cali is curled up on my hello kitty pillow, snoring. marti just finished cleaning one of his feet, settles into a comfortable position, lets out a big sigh. five seconds later, he farts. strangely enough, no smell. thank the gods! then, at ten to two, i decide the story is too long for me to finish (sitting #2!) then, so i put away my lappy 486 and turn off the light. that obviously means it's time to wake up, do laps around the bed, attempt to get into the closets, jump on my bladder, talk, play, TAG YOU'RE IT! i finally fell asleep at 2:30.

socrates called too, during all that. i'm pretty sure i won't see him this weekend. sucky. but he's coming down here next weekend. salsa bitches! well, that's what he said, anyway. but... suckier still, he's going to be in dayton, ohio the weekend of the june showcase. crap. there has to be a way to cram tons of socrates time into small spans of time. i'll figure it out. but don't expect me to show my work.

def con 3

i don't know why i get as nervous as i do, when socrates says he's going to call but doesn't. i mean, he's a grown man, he's more than capable of taking care of himself. i just know that i'm more than my standard level of worried when he doesn't call.

shh, i'm reading

i'm reading the book socrates suggested. i have to wait until the monkey is in bed, because i can't seem to concentrate enough on it while there's background noise. i tried reading it at dance last night. i knew i was reading the words, but they meant nothing to me. self help books are so "bleh" that way. it's good, don't get me wrong. but i have a stack of fun stuff to read. new fun stuff. do know what a draw that is to me? i leave telly unwatched to read new fun books!

socrates called last night, because he said he would. he'd almost forgotten and went off to play poker, but then remembered and called. thanks sweetie, i think. he was all excited when i referenced the book he wanted me to read. how adorable is that?

why do i have to be such a girl that when socrates does something sweet and thoughtful, that even though i know it's sweet and thoughtful and can acknowledge it as that, that i STILL look deeper. WHY? it bothers me. a lot. i'd like that to stop now, please. i find it irritating in me.

opposites

i work 1st. he works 2nd. i'm struggling to stay awake by the time he leaves work and can call me. he then feels bad for calling and waking me up. when are we supposed to talk about this?

fishes

coz it rhymes with wishes...

i wish k-lese was coming to help me clean my house this weekend. I'M DOING IT THIS WEEKEND. and i wish i had thought to ask her (months!) earlier to come help. i have to get it done before socrates starts to wonder why i never invite him to my house. the house will be empty (well, except for two cats and a really annoying dog) so that's my plan.

now i've made it extremely official too. i've told you.

there.

*this is basically the exact email i sent k-lese. it was so cute, i had to post it.

yay

i love the warm fuzzies i get from socrates.

seriously

socrates, when i told you it was okay to call me anytime, i meant it. YOU can call ME, ANYTIME. don't feel bad when you call and i'm already asleep and it wakes me up. ahem, we live 2 hours apart. we work different shifts. if we want to talk, sometimes sacrifices must be made. waking up to talk to you, is a sacrifice i'm more than willing to make. i am. really. honestly. SERIOUSLY.

pros and cons

socrates doesn't have internet at home and his job doesn't exactly allow him to sit in front of a computer all day/night like mine does.

pro: his job keeps him physically active and i have officially decided his butt is way better than silver b's is. (yes, i've informed socrates of this fact. no, silver b is as yet unaware -- unless socrates says something to silver b.)

con: it seems silly to send him emails that he might read in, say, two or three months. so we don't have the opportunity to talk that way.

pro: he won't know for a while that i talk about him. a lot. a lot A LOT.

not having the internet sucks for him (and me when i visit), but if it's keeping him from knowing about this for a little longer... that's probably okay.

yes mom, i will tell him. just not tonight.

case of the mondays

i have no good reason for feeling this way. i just would have much prefered spending the day in bed or with socrates. it sucks he couldn't come down for finals. it sucks that he'll be out of state this weekend (congrats to his sis on graduating though!!!). it sucks that i'll have to wait until memorial day weekend to see him. at least we hope we can get together... long distance sucks sometimes. i miss him. and it's coloring my view of today.

i want to go dancing. now. hmph.

ugh late nights...

first the stupid dog runs away. i mean, away, away. ususally he runs around the neighbors' yards and laughs in his dog fashion. nope last night, he just took off. loser. he decided to come back. at twenty minutes after 3 in the morning. normally, at that time, i would have been asleep. not last night. first i exchanged several text messages with socrates around 1:30am. then he called me just after 3. he can't come down this weekend. i'm disappointed. and then next weekend he's going out of town for his sister's graduation. *sigh* two whole weeks without seeing him. i miss him.

you got where when?!

yep. 5am. appleton. saturday morning. i could have watched the sun coming up over hwy 41 if it hadn't been so damn cloudy. i went to see socrates this weekend. he had to work a bit saturday and all of yesterday, so we hadn't planned on me going to visit. yet, somehow the conversation at 1:30am went from "i wish i didn't have to work, i'd really like to see you," to "well, i really want to see you, so it's up to you," to "when are you leaving madison?" i didn't end up leaving o-town until 3am (in tears because marti still wouldn't come out from under the stairs). no dancing for me. just movies and socrates. i did read "way of the peaceful warrior" yesterday, while he was at work. yes, the whole book. it's not very long. then i popped in the movie to see the differences. i liked the book better. i usually do.

when there's something i want to say to him, but i know i shouldn't, and i feel like i'm lying almost by not telling him; how do i explain the crying?

letter

dear powers that be where socrates works,
please give him a free weekend when i have a free weekend, so we can get together and spend some much needed time in each other's company. please. (see how nicely i asked?) thank you.
sincerely,
trying hard not to be cranky but feeling like i'm failing miserably

aw...

thank you socrates. it sucks that this weekend may not work for us. *sigh* lord knows i have plenty to do. either at my house or make some of it portable and take it to yours. even if you do have to work this weekend...