Broken

Promises broken. Hearts shattered. How to pick up the pieces? Most of the pieces are so small they can't be seen. I have a crack running through me so wide I feel like the Grand Canyon. I'm not willing to be vulnerable again. Is there a bandage big enough to cover the wound.

How do you find someone who will accept you just as you are? Including the broken parts. Who will love you for those broken parts. I didn't actually think it was possible to begin with. And one day, there he was. Smiling with love for me. But now it's done. The love is still there. For both of us. Life has chosen to bar me from that happiness.

Quick, before they catch me

Sad is here. Not the gut wrenching sad that was here Friday. Just sad, yes I'll have moments of happiness, but I think I'm just as content being alone. I'm supposed to meet someone for coffee Saturday afternoon. I want to cancel. I don't know why. Other than I have a feeling it's just not right. I hate the idea that I might miss something I should experience, but my gut just says nope.

Time to go up... The front desk is my favorite place at these times. Someone always wants to chat. Yay.

UPDATE: After therapy this morning, I sent the gentleman I was supposed to meet for coffee a message asking if we could postpone for another time and explained I'm just not ready. He was kind enough to understand. Instead I spent a few hours at Peaceful Heart in town. Far more relaxing. I just wish I could remember which scent I liked. Or where I can find something called Release.

This Is Hard

*sigh* I don't know how to do this. Today... well yesterday was much better. I'm tired. The day just drags on. Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to work and I will have to act like this weekend didn't happen. The racing thoughts are back. I get the emotions are all always there. I just hate that I get SO angry and I have nothing I can do about that energy. I ... I feel like an idiot. A huge flaming idiot. I feel like every muscle in my body has completely knotted up. The amount of shaking I did in the last two days, frankly I'm surprised I was able to write anything and didn't fall off my chair. Now I have a kink in my shoulder making me not want to move. The shaking has stopped for now. I'm not sure when the tears will. Which means my eyes will still burn.

*sigh*

Well, Shit

This the worst I think I've been since being diagnosed. I'm nauseous. I feel hollow. My heart hurts. My head hurts. I don't want to kill myself but sure as shit don't want to be alive. I know what I have but am blinded by what I don't. I hate this disease. It takes over and makes me awful. Yes. I've been taking my medication. No I haven't called my therapist. I'm trying to see about a new one. Yes I left her a message. I'm hoping she calls back soon. I don't know if she handles this. I have an appointment with my medication therapist next Friday. Something needs to change. I'm so exhausted by this. I want to curl up and die. Putting Monkey through this is so unfair to her. It's so unfair that I did everything right and I'm still going trough this. And explaining to someone that yes, I know what's real, the problem is all this feels real too. That I'm going to be alone forever. No one wants me. I don't want me, why would anyone else? I was truly happy for a brief moment but I don't get to keep it. How do I know I will find that again? I need to KNOW. Why is it wrong to want what everyone else has? Why can't I have that too? Why can't he drop everything to help me right now? We've seen when I'm good I can handle things. We know this. I stepped aside when she needed his help. I said I'd wait and do what I could to help. But when it's me, I'm told not to be selfish and manipulative. How is a fucking disease I was most likely born with manipulative of anyone other than me??? It's so hard not to just scream at the top of my lungs until I have no voice. Or break everything I can get my hands on. "Hulk smash!" Maybe that's what was wrong with Bruce Banner. I want to cut my heart out, toss it in the trash and just walk away. I want to vomit so much I finally just pass out. Or maybe I should just dope up until I'm a zombie (hello Prozac). If I can't feel it won't hurt. There's no cat for me to get at the end of this. Marti would be jealous. For how much this hurts I'm angry I won't have any external injuries to show for this. I want to look as beat up as I feel. And I want to be able to say, "You should see the other guy.". A writer I am not. Paragraphs that make sense don't flow from me. Stream of consciousness makes sense to me if I read it months later or even if it's someone else's consciousness. Puffy eyes. Tear stains on my cheeks. Exhaustion in my face. Pants that will fall off me soon. This is the face of a crash victim of bi polar. Not a scar or bruise to be seen, but I wish there was. I'd have war wounds from my battles. Claw marks that run across my body. Get mauled by a tiger, everyone can tell. Get mauled by bi polar, you're the only one. Get over it. Get back to work, to life. Snap out of it. You're being a baby. Believe me. I would do just that if I could.

The problem is I can't.

Warning: Stream of Consciousness

*This hasn't been edited. I just wrote what popped onto my head.

How am I supposed to maintain a relationship when I can't even trust the thoughts in my head? He tells me things. And I know them to be true. I *know* it. But then my mind twists it all into something ugly and mean. I lash out because I can't hold it in anymore. I say things I don't want to say because they're mean and spiteful. But I'm hurting and I want it to stop. So I pretend I don't care. Even though we all know I care more than I should. I think if I'm alone no one can hurt me. No one can disappoint me. He doesn't do it on purpose. The world around us happens whether I'm ready for it or not. I hide in my space. He deals with the world. But I want him with me. I'm tired of fighting myself alone. Battling thoughts that aren't even my own. But they're in my head, don't they belong to me? If they do then I'm a mean, hateful person. I don't want to be that. Make them stop. I'm not like that. I don't want to be that girl. No, I don't care if everyone doesn't like me. But the people I like/love... I want them to like/love me back. But who wants to love someone who snaps for no reason Or is irrationally angry over something minor. Or gets so out of control she doesn't recognize herself anymore. And doesn't even like herself. I promised a long time ago not to hurt myself. But the broken part of me doesn't care what I promised people even yesterday. It just hurts until I want the hurt physical. So it's something I can fix. Unfortunately stitches won't fix this. I don't know what will. This is something I can't fix on my own and I have a very hard time asking for help when I know I will always need it. Is it even fair of me to ask for him to help me?

Count Your Blessings (Instead Of Sheep)

When I'm worried and I can't sleep
I count my blessings instead of sheep
And I fall asleep counting my blessings
When my bankroll is getting small
I think of when I had none at all
And I fall asleep counting my blessings

I think about a nursery and I picture curly heads
And one by one I count them as they slumber in their beds
If you're worried and you can't sleep
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings

I think about a nursery and I picture curly heads
And one by one I count them as they slumber in their beds
If you're worried and you can't sleep
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings

-Cole Porter

I'm having a major downswing. Yes, I'm taking my medication. No, I haven't missed a dose. I don't remember much about the manic period. I think I was angry about a lot. It's right before Christmas, usually. This year is particularly bad. One day, I'll be able to spend New Year's Eve without being in tears... Right, the blessings.

My daughter. Without her I would not be alive. My friends. Any hope of sanity would be completely gone without them. My love. I can live without you, I just don't want to. My health. Even though I'm a nutcase I'm a healthy nutcase. My job. I hate it but I have one. My house. It's never been home for me but it's more than others have. (Uh oh, resolution?) My family. You're fucked up, it's genetic. But your mine and I still kinda love you.

So Tired of It

I am tired of being broke. I'm quite sure a lot of you know what I'm talking about. This will be one of the slimmest Christmas' of our lives. If it can't be crocheted, no one is getting it. At least not from me. Thank goodness Monkey has experience slim Christmas' before. And that she doesn't really need anything right now.

Dear Santa,
Could you please take care of my bills? I've been good this year.
Thank you,
zeghsy

A New Cake Recipe

The preceding post is brought to you by my absolutely shitty love life. It's no longer complicated, it's just non-existent. I have that song on repeat. Have since yesterday after work. I got the email at 11:30pm Tuesday night. Coward.

But the song isn't to feed my depression. Its to remind me I came from so much worse than this and became stronger and more beautiful. My bounce will be back soon. You'll see the fierce me.

A friend just said to me, "If you make a cake the same way and it's wrong, of course you end up with a crappy cake every time. We have to look at your recipe and how you bake it." So, I'm getting a new cake recipe. Any suggestions would be welcome.

I allowed myself to wallow yesterday. All black, sunglasses in the office, crying the whole way home. I'm done now. Onward and upward. I knew when this started I wouldn't let it consume me like it had before.

Take a good look buddy. You lost all this and more. You've made your bed, I hope you like laying in it for eternity. 

I Found A Boy

I thought I told you, he'd be home soon
Couldn't help myself, you're too good to be true.
I fall short each time,
Every time he ain't here,
You and your charm creep closer, closer in here,
Like a fool for fire I fall, with my pride and all.
Like a bomb before explosion,
Ticking by your call.
You're the wiser one, disguised from greed,
And I'm just a child who belongs on her knees.

But I found a boy who I love more,
Than I ever did you before,
So stand beside the river I cried,
And let yourself down!
Look how you want me now that I don't need you.

So, you thought that I would crumble to my knees
At the first sight of you, crawling back to me
To whisper "will you leave your man?"
Cause you swear that this time you can stand by me. I won't stand by you.

Cause I found a boy who I love more,
Than I ever did you before,
So stand beside the river I cried
And let yourself down!
Look how you want me now that I don't need you.

I ain't yours for no taking,
You must be mistaken
I could never look in your eyes, and settle for wrong
And ignore the right

Well I found a boy who loves me more,
Than you ever did me before.
So stand beside the river you'll cry
And let yourself down!
Look how you want me now that I don't need you.

-Adele

How Do Regular People Do This?

I spent all of last year avoiding too much "excitement". I tend to crash. Hard. They say life is a rollercoaster. Rollercoasters make me sick. Life is boring as all get-out, but the lack of nausea sometimes makes up for that. My emotions are all over the place. I have trouble remembering which way is up. Yes, I'm remembering my medication. These are the times I hang on to it like a life line. All that crap I went through before is so close I can almost touch it. And it scares the shit out of me. I need a bucket to start bailing and all I have is a cup. Where are my hip-waders? (Which by the way, I'm thinking of making fashionable. You know you'd love a hot pink pair, with say, skulls on them to be edgy. Or in a cute plaid.)

Contagious?

I would much rather have stayed at home today. Can you get a "case of the Mondays" on Sunday? I think it started then for me. Bleh. As a result, I'm in all black. Not sure what I'm mourning. It just suits my mood.

problems? no, not really

so now that i'm doing the whole "better living through chemistry" (for the record, i did pick up more meds, thanks for y'all who worried), i've discovered i don't have as much to say.

i'm leading a pretty boring life. funny though, i don't feel bored. i go home after work and i hang out with monkey. we watch our shows. we do the laundry. we play with the cats. we play spider solitaire and try to beat each others' percentages. i have grand plans of painting our bedrooms and finally getting the house cleaned. these are long term plans.

ok, so maybe it's not boring to me and just boring to others. that's fine. i'm not asking you to live my life. i like what's going on in my life right now. it's good. i'm dating vicariously through princess mikkimoto and sizzlesays. i'm vicariously being a mom to a baby (he turns 1 this saturday -- happy birthday little dude!) of sweetie-pie. and i'm pregnant, vicariously again, through barbie. she's due in april. it's a boy. i'm ecstatic! so i'm having fun in my own way.

not to worry internet. i'll keep you updated. i'm sorry if it's not exciting for you. things always change. who knows. right?

scary...

as of december 21st, monkey and i will not be dancing. sadly the monkey hasn't been doing well in school. this is troubling when anyone who has met her knows she should be acing school. this coming semester will be a lesson in learning her priorities and (hopefully) letting everyone in her world know that she is an A student and she will get those grades. even if it means she turns off everything around her to be able to focus. i know she'll do this. she was crushed when i told her of my decision to withdraw us from dance. we did quite a bit of crying. but as a good parent, i can not let her grades go without repercussions. Ds and Fs are just not acceptable. her father is not happy. sadly it's taken this for him to become interested in her schooling. she'll still have choir, which she loves. that is the one class she's getting the most solid A i've ever seen. she's hoping to prepare a solo for the solo/ensemble concert this spring. i've suggested she ask her teacher for help with this. sadly, i'm no help when it comes to singing. we've also asked her aunt, who in high school was a star herself, and sang at my wedding when i married monkey's dad. funny, i know she sang a beatles song, i know it was so beautiful it moved me to tears, but i can't remember WHAT song it was.

what scares me is that i've been using dance as a form of therapy for me. i'm sure i'll find something else. possibly join the anytime fitness club that is in my town... but i'm finding little moments of panic when i think about it.

i'm trying to look at the silver lining. i'll be able to save some money. i won't have to buy a ballroom gown for monkey just yet. (miss princess -- different princess than our princess mikkimoto -- wants her students to compete in wisconsin state dancesport competition this april and they require actual ballroom dress for the competition.) i'm going to FINALLY clean my house of all the crap that's in it. (here's where i ask that you guys get on my case about it.) i'm going to take the opportunity to get my life in order again. sorting will help.

i hope that i can count on you all to support me and remind me i won't die without dancing. or, take me out once in a while to the dance floors around here to boogie, even for an hour or two. :D

today will be...

interesting. i grabbed a hot straightening iron this morning and now have a minor burn. the monkey handed it to me and i wasn't paying attention (i thought i was grabbing the brush until i realized how hot it was). and now i just had a conversation with a friend about her ex boyfriend and it brought up feelings that apparently have been simmering under the surface. i'll be fine. but i'm worried about them. for different reasons. he's fighting something that only she sees and i see her willing to lose the fight for herself. i understand why she's doing it. he needs that friend, that person who won't let him go down easy. so i'm offering my support. she needs it just as much as he does. that one extra person in their corner. except now, i just want to go home and cry for the rest of the day.

speeding

normally, i'm fine with speeding. i figure, it's your ticket. and i'm definitely guilty of speeding. IN MY CAR.

relationships... that's a whole other bowl of chili.

seriously guys. we like you. if we say, "i like you," we really do mean that. also when we say, "i need this to progress slowly," we mean that too. so when we say we aren't able to see you for a couple weeks, there are no games being played. we're just being aware of our schedules, children, and massive dance schedule. plus, when we say, "i'm sorry, i have to sleep," again, we mean that too.

(not sleeping causes me to get sick. very sick. not a visit to the emergency room sick. a visit to the mental ward sick. i don't like that kind of sick. it's very scary to too many people who are vital to my survival -- namely the monkey. and me. it's a scary place i don't want to go to again.)

so. again... we like you. we want to see you too. we miss you a lot, perhaps not as much as you think we should, but a lot. but. we had a life before you came along, and we're not exactly thrilled with you wanting us to chuck it because it doesn't suit your plans for us.

so with that, SLOW THE FUCK DOWN! kids these days. sheesh.

moving...

i couldn't help it. the first note. the moment i saw it. the tears... i couldn't stop them if i had wanted and they deserved to come.

EDIT: again with videos being removed. *sigh*

it was pain and beauty and sorrow and joy and ... oh everything you could imagine.

i'll have to remember to bring lots of kleenex with me to the show.

update...

so the senator is talking again. here's hoping he remembers i want to help when and where i can, but that i can't if he doesn't tell me he needs it. i can understand the feeling that he shouldn't have to ask for help, that he should be able to do it all on his own. but if he can't ask me for help, the woman he wants having his babies, who is he able to ask?

during all of this, i asked my bff for the reminder he gave me the last time this happened. i said i was hurting because of this, and his response was "how is he hurting you? by not talking to you for a little while?" that was received yesterday, mid-day. i still want to rip his head off and scream down his throat. so, no, there hasn't been a response from me.

while the bff seems to think i'm blowing this out of proportion, i have another friend who can't understand why i'm putting up with it and still with the senator. but then he doesn't seem to understand depression and other mental illnesses. he certainly doesn't understand mine.

i want to continue making the plans for monkey and i to move to georgia. but i can't in good conscience do that until i feel more stable in our relationship. and yes, i've told the senator this. here's hoping it doesn't spark another silence. in the meantime, i'll try to plan a summer trip out there. maybe with monkey, maybe not. *sigh*

weather report

it's cold and rainy. suits my mood perfectly. it almost lets me pretend my mood isn't quite so stormy. i can just say it's the weather. except it's not. if it was sunny, i'm quite sure my mood would be most foul. *sigh* meh.

i know...

i should be sleeping. i want to be. but i'm kind of afraid to. ugh. this sucks. at least the weather suits my mood. i feel like i'm mourning. again. i just want to know and be able to move forward.

hello? anyone there?

i don't know what to say. what to do. how can i help? or even just be supportive? the senator isn't talking to me. again. he's shutdown. or shut me out. i don't know. last time, i emailed, text'd, called... at least once a day (definitely more). at first to find out what was going on. then to let him know i was hurt and angry. then to let him know i still care and was here when he was ready. he had his reasons for this. but we've since talked about it. and i let him know how much it hurt my feelings and made me angry. but this time, there wasn't any reason i could see to shut me out. again. last time i was told to be patient, that if i didn't push, things would get sorted out faster. ok. so this time, its been four days since the last time i heard from him. the first time it was seven. i'm not sure how long i can keep this up. i called tonight, hoping. apparently that was too much. if i don't keep myself constantly distracted, i get this lump in my throat that i can't swallow past too well. i feel vaguely nauseous (no, i'm NOT pregnant). i want to cry. not just the tears i cry when watching grey's anatomy (omg, i've NEVER NOT cried at that damn show), but the body racking sobs that little kids do when they're over-tired and hungry and things have just gone wrong once too often. if i don't keep myself distracted, i think about all the things that won't be happening. the faces i don't see in my dreams any longer. he said he was not like the other men in my life. no? right now, i'm not sure i see the difference.

*for the record, i'm not looking for anyone to tell me it's ok to end it. i'm not ready to end it. i still want to fight for what i want. i just need to know i'm not the only one fighting...