oh, one more thing...

the senator and i are kaput. princess mikkimoto and more... knew that already. from our rockin' version of blogher '09, the madison version.

it wasn't the miles between us. it was the distance. you can't shut someone out for weeks at a time and expect them to always be there. even a dog would leave. it doesn't help that i've been finding out things about him that would have made our relationship impossible, even if he was living next door. never fear, we're going to remain friends. no really. he needs someone who will stick around through his crap and i need more ppl who love me no matter what.

now it's been said. *sigh*

update...

so the senator is talking again. here's hoping he remembers i want to help when and where i can, but that i can't if he doesn't tell me he needs it. i can understand the feeling that he shouldn't have to ask for help, that he should be able to do it all on his own. but if he can't ask me for help, the woman he wants having his babies, who is he able to ask?

during all of this, i asked my bff for the reminder he gave me the last time this happened. i said i was hurting because of this, and his response was "how is he hurting you? by not talking to you for a little while?" that was received yesterday, mid-day. i still want to rip his head off and scream down his throat. so, no, there hasn't been a response from me.

while the bff seems to think i'm blowing this out of proportion, i have another friend who can't understand why i'm putting up with it and still with the senator. but then he doesn't seem to understand depression and other mental illnesses. he certainly doesn't understand mine.

i want to continue making the plans for monkey and i to move to georgia. but i can't in good conscience do that until i feel more stable in our relationship. and yes, i've told the senator this. here's hoping it doesn't spark another silence. in the meantime, i'll try to plan a summer trip out there. maybe with monkey, maybe not. *sigh*

hello? anyone there?

i don't know what to say. what to do. how can i help? or even just be supportive? the senator isn't talking to me. again. he's shutdown. or shut me out. i don't know. last time, i emailed, text'd, called... at least once a day (definitely more). at first to find out what was going on. then to let him know i was hurt and angry. then to let him know i still care and was here when he was ready. he had his reasons for this. but we've since talked about it. and i let him know how much it hurt my feelings and made me angry. but this time, there wasn't any reason i could see to shut me out. again. last time i was told to be patient, that if i didn't push, things would get sorted out faster. ok. so this time, its been four days since the last time i heard from him. the first time it was seven. i'm not sure how long i can keep this up. i called tonight, hoping. apparently that was too much. if i don't keep myself constantly distracted, i get this lump in my throat that i can't swallow past too well. i feel vaguely nauseous (no, i'm NOT pregnant). i want to cry. not just the tears i cry when watching grey's anatomy (omg, i've NEVER NOT cried at that damn show), but the body racking sobs that little kids do when they're over-tired and hungry and things have just gone wrong once too often. if i don't keep myself distracted, i think about all the things that won't be happening. the faces i don't see in my dreams any longer. he said he was not like the other men in my life. no? right now, i'm not sure i see the difference.

*for the record, i'm not looking for anyone to tell me it's ok to end it. i'm not ready to end it. i still want to fight for what i want. i just need to know i'm not the only one fighting...

oh my damn...

wow. i didn't realize how long it has been since i've posted. lots been going on. not all of it good or worth talking about. you know, life.

the senator came to visit me. he met the monkey. i see trouble from them. the kind where i have to shout in the house, "it's too quiet. what are you two up to?!" and then just hope i don't find the two of them plotting something diabolical.

i'm really glad they hit it off. it makes dating SO much easier. especially since she really hated the last serious one. still reminds me how much she doesn't (yes, it's an active dislike) him. even her father mentioned it the other day. "no, she really doesn't like him at all." which made us all giggle. and then i apologized for subjecting her to his presence. thankfully she thinks i'm pretty cool and forgave me. i do <3 that kid an awful lot.

keeping in touch from oregon, wi to savannah, ga

i met him at the beginning of october last year. i wasn't looking. i was actually dating (casually) a friend of his, who ended up encouraging us to get together.

the senator lives too dang far away. i miss him. a lot. i need to go see him again. i think within the next couple of months.

i'm going to start planning the trip. ;)

stuck in an elevator with the senator

the senator
duh, he's the bf. that should just be common sense. sheesh.

silver b
because as much as i love the senator, he can't dance yet. silver b on the other hand is a FABULOUS dancer. plus he could teach the senator a thing or two.

*silver b is a misleading name. he's at the gold level, but "gold b" just doesn't have the same ring. sorry bud, you'll always be silver b to me. ;)

If I had easy access to a helicopter, I'd fly to savannah, ga this weekend

i've never lived there. only visited once. but it's home. the senator lives there and it feels like home to me.

wow. am i bored or what?

sitting here in bed. chatting with the senator online. i'm all caught up on my blog reading. i don't want to turn on a light, because then i'll reach for my book and i really should be thinking about sleep. i'm so bored.

the president

i got chills. yes, i cried. when don't i? i just watched the swearing in of president obama. our first black president.

i love you and will support you, my senator. we'll disagree on so many things, but that won't change my love for you. our new president is just one of the first things we disagree on. this year isn't just a change for the presidency, but a change for us. you and i get to move forward together.

hello babies :)

®

why was this not an option when i had the monkey 11½ years ago? taiwan has a hello kitty® themed maternity hospital. omg! i want to have more babies there. :) do you think the senator will be alright with that idea? i'd be willing to pop out the four he thinks he wants, if we have them there.

® ® ® ®

"bridge may ice before road"

every time i saw that sign, i giggled. they have ice in savannah? maybe in their glasses, but not on their roads.

dec. 12
the senator is working at the bakery right now. i'm supposed to go there and he said he'd get me some breakfast. i think lunch is the proper term for it now. :) he'll be there until 3pm (est) and then i have no idea what he has planned. i know we're supposed to go meet a bunch of his friends tonight. tomorrow night he has to work at the boar's head and i think i'm having dinner there as a result. he gave me a book on savannah's squares and there's a map in it. he marked where his place is, the bakery and where the boar's head is. i may go wander a bit. we went for a little walk on the way to get dinner last night. i was totally lost. :D
i got lost. walked right past the bakery because i didn't know the name of it. duh.

dec. 14
i've seen plenty of horse drawn carriages here. haven't taken a ride in one yet. maybe today. we have the whole day to ourselves.
yesterday, the senator had to work at the boar's head. while he was working, i wandered around around river street and did a smidge of shopping. after the sun went down, i went back to the restaurant and waited for it to slow down enough for him to make me some dinner. yum. it was well worth the wait. first, i had two caesar salads (they had a couple big parties and made too many salads). for an appetizer, i had peach bbq shrimp wrapped in bacon. then he made me blackened cajun mahi-mahi with cajun tartar sauce and fresh snow peas and their own basmati rice blend. as a special treat, chef bill made the senator something with shrimp, asparagus, red bell peppers, and spaghetti. it was super yummy, whatever it was. i was so full, i could even walk around when the senator was done with work. i needed to go home and lay down. so worth it though.
i was so full, it hurt. and we ate like that the rest of my holiday. oof. it's great having a boyfriend who is a chef, but i need to not eat quite so much when i'm only visiting or i'll get fat, right quick.

i didn't want to leave. it was absolutely beautiful and everyone i met was really nice. plus, i'm completely smitten with the senator. it's mutual. i can't wait to see him again.

cathedral of st. james the baptist


cathedral of st. james the baptist


cathedral of st. james the baptist


cathedral of st. james the baptist


sign for cathedral of st. james the baptist


making pralines


the georgia queen


bridge to south carolina


tabby paving -- made with shells


this beer is 'teh yum!'


jack daniel's chocolate pecan pie


rreeaallyy big ship


they have buds on the trees, in december!


the senator


ms. zeghsy -- i'm not super fond of being in front of the camera


mr. harley


the senator's street


i want this house!


if you know the song, you'll get this photo ;)


i love this yard


see...


apparently i just needed a better photographer


the senator and me at clary's (made famous in "midnight in the garden of good and evil")


outside custard boutique


outside the mercer-williams house (as in johnny mercer's family; no mercer ever lived in this house however)

7 days and counting!

i'm going on holiday. an actual holiday. i will be visiting the senator in his neck of the woods. without family. obviously i'm totally stoked over getting to see the senator. i haven't seen him since october, when we met. but there's a part of me that is more than a bit excited about going on holiday WITHOUT MY FAMILY. i have never gone on holiday, EVER, when it wasn't a family event. there will be food and pictures and lots of fun!

i'm trying, really i am

honestly. i want to stay in a good mood. in 8 days i'm going to visit the senator. when i go, i don't want there to be any stress from work bothering me. so, i'm making an effort to remain "happy". today seems to be a struggle. there are so many factors that are really pushing for me to throttle someone.

sadly, i can't go into detail about the many things. given everything going on, i can't afford to be dooced. however, jm is riding his high horse again. could we please remind him he's the low man on the totem pole in our department as well as things like vacation requests are still first come first serve. if you wait too long to request it, you may not get the days you want. DUH!

oh my...

so, i'm totally addicted to flair. on facebook. omg. and i believe i've corrupted the senator as well. today he sent me this one:
it's totally me. :)

he sent me this one at the beginning of the month. i'm hoping i don't have to wait until christmas to get to see him. *sigh*

i'm ready

and surprisingly not panicking.

internet, i've met someone. he's about as perfect for me as you can get. which is to say, he's not perfect at all. he has flaws and has made mistakes in his life and chokes on his own toes a lot. and i'm completely gaga for him. he's never been married and doesn't have any children. he can't wait to meet my monkey though. he's a "cat person" and understands why i want to kill the dog on a a weekly basis (not because i hate the dog, but because the dog irritates me to no end -- no uproar needed). he knows about all my crazies and has already had to deal with a few, all with positive results. the coolest part of all of this, he feels exactly the same way i do.

i'm ready, internet. i'm jumping in, with both feet. eyes wide open. :)