How nauseating...

Ex-boyfriends that just don't get that you're over them and they just need to leave you the fuck alone are some of the most irritating things in the world. I've moved on. I told him that I never wanted to hear from him or speak to him again. And what does he do, he emails me. What a dumbass.

Sledge hammer teaching methods

Is there an easier way to get ideas into thick skulls? That is without using a sledge hammer. I've heard that is kind of frowned upon. Which is lame, because I know so many who would benefit from a little correction via sledge hammer. And in that case a little goes a long way.

Weird things are afoot

I'm not sure how much to get into it just yet, but life is taking an odd turn at the moment.

Very odd. Like make you check for hidden cameras odd. Or wonder if you're just a character in a sci-fi fiction.

Sadness

Today is his visitation. Today the sadness hit me today. I only remember meeting him once and only for at most a half hour. Apparently I left a big impression. I was discussed at length. It was thought I wouldn't be given a fair shot because I wasn't her. It turned out that was the very reason he liked me as much as he did. He died in a "fiery car accident" Monday night. His family has gathered. I can see their different stages of grief through the small glimpses in. One brother is very angry. His widow is numb. His mother "puddles". My connection to him? He is going through everything from taking charge and handling everything to sleep deprivation to constant picking at the wound.

This morning I felt his "presence" as I was driving to work. I was thinking of his little boy, only five years old, not sure what is going on. I want to tell them all, he's at peace now. Before, he was always in so much pain, and as much as all of you loved him, too few of you saw and understood it. He didn't mean to go that night. If he knew how much this hurt everyone, he would have tried harder, kept trying harder. But, his pain is gone. He can love all of us freely now. He will always be there, watching, keeping us safe.

Because I'm outside all of this and I didn't know him very long, I'm not sure how to express my grief. Do I keep it private or do I try to share with his family? Even in my effort to not react to things, I'm being snippy and lashing out. I've changed my mind about going so many times, I can't remember which I've decided. I feel if I go, I'll be seen as the elephant in the room and not the supporting friend by everyone but one.

Sometimes, feeling this much is a burden. Not everyone understands how I see things -- and how death can frighten me to the point of panic one moment and the next seem so inviting. I'm afraid my tears won't be understood. I'm not sure I understand my tears sometimes.

Uh, I'm pretty sure my brain is toast

I can't think of a damn thing to say. Things aren't better than they were. I'm not sobbing my eyes out, but happy is a long way off yet. Heck, OK is still a long way off. I hate liars. If you can't back up your words with your actions, you've lied to me. I mean, no skin off my neck. It's one less person I have to have in my life. A victory as my therapist said Saturday. And oddly, it feels exactly like that. A victory. I'm able to release someone who has been poisoning me since spring last year. There's still a long list of people to go through, finding the good ones to keep and ditching the bad ones. I do need to learn to let go sooner, rather than hanging on because someone, once, somewhere, told me I wasn't trying hard enough. That's still a work in progress. And probably always will be. My favorite is when you find one of those gems hiding in a pile of crap (and trust me, this gem is about as good at getting rid of the bad people as I am -- that is to say not good at all) because helping them shine again is fantastic.

Okay this has so not gone how I thought it would. I'm going to stop while I'm ahead.