Lost Luggage

A 12year old girl can't do anything so wrong that she carries the blame for the rest of her life. No matter what she's told. I'm returning that luggage to it's rightful owner. I've already started. Recently there has been blame laid at my feet for something I had nothing to do with. That problem started long before I came along. She can have it back.

I've told certain people to "get bent". I would have liked to shove other things down other throats, but that just wasn't an option. I am, however, finding that I NEED to get my hiney to the gym. I don't know why I always forget how much I like burning off my anger through exercise. Though a good and angry tango would work too.

Broken

Promises broken. Hearts shattered. How to pick up the pieces? Most of the pieces are so small they can't be seen. I have a crack running through me so wide I feel like the Grand Canyon. I'm not willing to be vulnerable again. Is there a bandage big enough to cover the wound.

How do you find someone who will accept you just as you are? Including the broken parts. Who will love you for those broken parts. I didn't actually think it was possible to begin with. And one day, there he was. Smiling with love for me. But now it's done. The love is still there. For both of us. Life has chosen to bar me from that happiness.

Uh, I'm pretty sure my brain is toast

I can't think of a damn thing to say. Things aren't better than they were. I'm not sobbing my eyes out, but happy is a long way off yet. Heck, OK is still a long way off. I hate liars. If you can't back up your words with your actions, you've lied to me. I mean, no skin off my neck. It's one less person I have to have in my life. A victory as my therapist said Saturday. And oddly, it feels exactly like that. A victory. I'm able to release someone who has been poisoning me since spring last year. There's still a long list of people to go through, finding the good ones to keep and ditching the bad ones. I do need to learn to let go sooner, rather than hanging on because someone, once, somewhere, told me I wasn't trying hard enough. That's still a work in progress. And probably always will be. My favorite is when you find one of those gems hiding in a pile of crap (and trust me, this gem is about as good at getting rid of the bad people as I am -- that is to say not good at all) because helping them shine again is fantastic.

Okay this has so not gone how I thought it would. I'm going to stop while I'm ahead.

Quick, before they catch me

Sad is here. Not the gut wrenching sad that was here Friday. Just sad, yes I'll have moments of happiness, but I think I'm just as content being alone. I'm supposed to meet someone for coffee Saturday afternoon. I want to cancel. I don't know why. Other than I have a feeling it's just not right. I hate the idea that I might miss something I should experience, but my gut just says nope.

Time to go up... The front desk is my favorite place at these times. Someone always wants to chat. Yay.

UPDATE: After therapy this morning, I sent the gentleman I was supposed to meet for coffee a message asking if we could postpone for another time and explained I'm just not ready. He was kind enough to understand. Instead I spent a few hours at Peaceful Heart in town. Far more relaxing. I just wish I could remember which scent I liked. Or where I can find something called Release.

So Tired of It

I am tired of being broke. I'm quite sure a lot of you know what I'm talking about. This will be one of the slimmest Christmas' of our lives. If it can't be crocheted, no one is getting it. At least not from me. Thank goodness Monkey has experience slim Christmas' before. And that she doesn't really need anything right now.

Dear Santa,
Could you please take care of my bills? I've been good this year.
Thank you,
zeghsy

A New Cake Recipe

The preceding post is brought to you by my absolutely shitty love life. It's no longer complicated, it's just non-existent. I have that song on repeat. Have since yesterday after work. I got the email at 11:30pm Tuesday night. Coward.

But the song isn't to feed my depression. Its to remind me I came from so much worse than this and became stronger and more beautiful. My bounce will be back soon. You'll see the fierce me.

A friend just said to me, "If you make a cake the same way and it's wrong, of course you end up with a crappy cake every time. We have to look at your recipe and how you bake it." So, I'm getting a new cake recipe. Any suggestions would be welcome.

I allowed myself to wallow yesterday. All black, sunglasses in the office, crying the whole way home. I'm done now. Onward and upward. I knew when this started I wouldn't let it consume me like it had before.

Take a good look buddy. You lost all this and more. You've made your bed, I hope you like laying in it for eternity. 

I Found A Boy

I thought I told you, he'd be home soon
Couldn't help myself, you're too good to be true.
I fall short each time,
Every time he ain't here,
You and your charm creep closer, closer in here,
Like a fool for fire I fall, with my pride and all.
Like a bomb before explosion,
Ticking by your call.
You're the wiser one, disguised from greed,
And I'm just a child who belongs on her knees.

But I found a boy who I love more,
Than I ever did you before,
So stand beside the river I cried,
And let yourself down!
Look how you want me now that I don't need you.

So, you thought that I would crumble to my knees
At the first sight of you, crawling back to me
To whisper "will you leave your man?"
Cause you swear that this time you can stand by me. I won't stand by you.

Cause I found a boy who I love more,
Than I ever did you before,
So stand beside the river I cried
And let yourself down!
Look how you want me now that I don't need you.

I ain't yours for no taking,
You must be mistaken
I could never look in your eyes, and settle for wrong
And ignore the right

Well I found a boy who loves me more,
Than you ever did me before.
So stand beside the river you'll cry
And let yourself down!
Look how you want me now that I don't need you.

-Adele

Gettin' In The Mood (for Christmas)

Tonight is the rescheduled holiday performance for Monkey's dance studio. Now, instead of eating lunch leisurely and getting her hair and make-up ready at home, we have to cram dinner/hair/make-up/driving to the auditorium into less than an hour. Thankfully, I have all her dance things with me.

I am excited to see the kids do their swing on stage. That will be fun.

*Update: Monkey's partner (T1) wasn't able to make it last night due to prior sports scheduling. His brother (T2) was injured so his partner (A) never came. We didn't get the message until I had pulled in the parking lot of the auditorium. The other couple in the class T3 and M were there, but I'm not sure what they did.