"calgon, take me away!"

i love lists. here's my "to-do list" for the summer. here's hoping it doesn't stop at the beginning of school this fall.

• clean my house: because if i don't, i'm going to want to burn it down or go completely mad. neither is a very good option.

• spend as little as possible: i'd like to use what i have. sure the economy needs my money, but i don't have enough to give it lots. i'm realistic enough to know that i can't stop spending all together. i have a growing monkey and a shopping itch that needs scratching regularly. but i AM trying to be far more honest with whether or not i need something. will i actually use it? will i really wear it?
  

• get back into shape: a couple of years ago, i lost a lot of weight. while i loved losing it, it wasn't done healthy. this summer i'd like to get my butt moving and get it back to where it was. i know i already eat relatively healthy (ignore the bag of pretzels at my desk) but i haven't been moving as much. the dog needs it. i need it. move we will.

• clean my house, for real: did i mention clean my house? because it needs it. badly. anyone have an extra trash can i can use?
  

do not

if you're not going to take my suggestions seriously and/or strike them down, DO NOT ask for them in the first place. it's a gigantic waste of everyone's time.

i've been on/off about going to dance tonight. i'm pretty sure i'm going now. i need the discipline to burn off the anger of being talked over and completely ignored even when my opinion is solicited.

update...

so the senator is talking again. here's hoping he remembers i want to help when and where i can, but that i can't if he doesn't tell me he needs it. i can understand the feeling that he shouldn't have to ask for help, that he should be able to do it all on his own. but if he can't ask me for help, the woman he wants having his babies, who is he able to ask?

during all of this, i asked my bff for the reminder he gave me the last time this happened. i said i was hurting because of this, and his response was "how is he hurting you? by not talking to you for a little while?" that was received yesterday, mid-day. i still want to rip his head off and scream down his throat. so, no, there hasn't been a response from me.

while the bff seems to think i'm blowing this out of proportion, i have another friend who can't understand why i'm putting up with it and still with the senator. but then he doesn't seem to understand depression and other mental illnesses. he certainly doesn't understand mine.

i want to continue making the plans for monkey and i to move to georgia. but i can't in good conscience do that until i feel more stable in our relationship. and yes, i've told the senator this. here's hoping it doesn't spark another silence. in the meantime, i'll try to plan a summer trip out there. maybe with monkey, maybe not. *sigh*

time capsule #1

ooh... i think i'm going to like this photojojo thingy... i signed up ages ago. today is my first time capsule. :)

lookie here.

fun! especially since the lovely lady in that photo is our one and only loud. tomorrow is her birthday AND she's going on a trip that has me SOOOO... jealous. happy birthday and have a blast on your trip, loud. be safe and come home with tons of stories to share!

weather report

it's cold and rainy. suits my mood perfectly. it almost lets me pretend my mood isn't quite so stormy. i can just say it's the weather. except it's not. if it was sunny, i'm quite sure my mood would be most foul. *sigh* meh.

i know...

i should be sleeping. i want to be. but i'm kind of afraid to. ugh. this sucks. at least the weather suits my mood. i feel like i'm mourning. again. i just want to know and be able to move forward.

hello? anyone there?

i don't know what to say. what to do. how can i help? or even just be supportive? the senator isn't talking to me. again. he's shutdown. or shut me out. i don't know. last time, i emailed, text'd, called... at least once a day (definitely more). at first to find out what was going on. then to let him know i was hurt and angry. then to let him know i still care and was here when he was ready. he had his reasons for this. but we've since talked about it. and i let him know how much it hurt my feelings and made me angry. but this time, there wasn't any reason i could see to shut me out. again. last time i was told to be patient, that if i didn't push, things would get sorted out faster. ok. so this time, its been four days since the last time i heard from him. the first time it was seven. i'm not sure how long i can keep this up. i called tonight, hoping. apparently that was too much. if i don't keep myself constantly distracted, i get this lump in my throat that i can't swallow past too well. i feel vaguely nauseous (no, i'm NOT pregnant). i want to cry. not just the tears i cry when watching grey's anatomy (omg, i've NEVER NOT cried at that damn show), but the body racking sobs that little kids do when they're over-tired and hungry and things have just gone wrong once too often. if i don't keep myself distracted, i think about all the things that won't be happening. the faces i don't see in my dreams any longer. he said he was not like the other men in my life. no? right now, i'm not sure i see the difference.

*for the record, i'm not looking for anyone to tell me it's ok to end it. i'm not ready to end it. i still want to fight for what i want. i just need to know i'm not the only one fighting...

i <3 my monkey

"A mother understands what a child does not say."
-Jewish proverb

i'm skipping dance tonight, to hang out with the monkey. sometimes, even though we're always together, i miss her. now is one of those times.

the one where i babble

i miss my iphone. not enough to run out and switch from the blackberry, but enough that when it's time to make the change... i just might.

i have an orchestra concert for the monkey to attend tonight. i'm pretty sure i'm going to find the darkest corner to sit in at the high school theatre and read until they turn the lights down and (hangs head in some shame) attempt to blog from the aforementioned blackberry.


[ok. so i forgot half of what i was going to say in this. oh well. having trouble caring today.]

man, i could use a beer tonight. *sigh*

feeling...

lost? i feel like there are things i need to say, but i'm not sure how to say them. i'm not even sure exactly WHAT i want to say... phooey. :(

oh my damn...

wow. i didn't realize how long it has been since i've posted. lots been going on. not all of it good or worth talking about. you know, life.

the senator came to visit me. he met the monkey. i see trouble from them. the kind where i have to shout in the house, "it's too quiet. what are you two up to?!" and then just hope i don't find the two of them plotting something diabolical.

i'm really glad they hit it off. it makes dating SO much easier. especially since she really hated the last serious one. still reminds me how much she doesn't (yes, it's an active dislike) him. even her father mentioned it the other day. "no, she really doesn't like him at all." which made us all giggle. and then i apologized for subjecting her to his presence. thankfully she thinks i'm pretty cool and forgave me. i do <3 that kid an awful lot.

honestly...

what would any of us REALLY do with 3 extra hours? duh... SLEEP! 3 extra hours would mean i would finally get right amount of sleep, every night, and i could stop feeling like crap every day.

sweet crunchy snack is NOT what i think of when i think of her...

copped from ChopSuzy's FB page:

Crackerjack, Mad Rolling Dolls co-founder, past GM, coach, star
skater, crowd favorite and current WFTDA president, needs your help
and support.

She’s in a legal battle with Frito-Lay, which bought the Cracker Jack
Brand. F-L is challenging her effort to trademark her Derby name
“Crackerjack”. She needs to do this so she can be an avatar in the
Frozen Codebase Roller Derby video game.

This is a huge corporate giant trying to squelch a derby girl. We
can’t just sit by and let this happen, can we?

Last year Starbucks tried to squelch the Rat City league for trademark
infringement, claiming the logos were too similar. Rat City got
Starbucks to back off. Let’s do the same to Frito-Lay!

Here’s how you can help CJ in this brawl:

Send a message to Frito-Lay letting them know that you and all your
fellow league members and fans will boycott their junk food for the
rest of your natural lives unless they drop this frivolous legal
action.

Go to http://www.fritolay.com/about-us/contact-us.html and sign in and do it!

Messages you could incorporate:

1. Crackerjack is a one-word noun or adjective that refers to an
exceptional person or thing. Cracker Jack is a sweet and nutty treat.
No one would mistake a roller girl for popcorn!

2. There are thousands of members of Roller Derby leagues in the
U.S., and they have tens of thousands of fans. If Frito-Lay pursues
this frivolous legal action, we’ll all boycott all Frito-Lay products
and encourage our friends and everyone in our social networks to do
the same.

3. Given the popularity of modern Roller Derby, if Frito-Lay were
smart, they would drop this silly legal action and sign this gorgeous
and articulate young athlete as a spokesmodel for their product and
watch their sales figure skyrocket.

If you don’t have time to write your own message just copy this one:

“Crackerjack is not a sweet and nutty treat! She is a roller derby
star athlete. Stop this legal nonsense, or, trust me, I will never
buy another Frito Lay product. If you had any sense, you’d sign this
gorgeous and articulate skater on as a spokesmodel for your product
and stand back and watch your sales skyrocket.”

Go to http://www.fritolay.com/about-us/contact-us.html and sign in and do it!

Then send this info on. Post it to your myspace and facebook pages.
Twitter it. E-mail it to your friends in other leagues. Let’s go
viral and help CJ win against the Walmart of tooth decay!

(the actual blog post that started this campaign: http://www.heratylaw.com/news/ AND the post that grabbed our attention: http://www.derbynewsnetwork.com/blog/justice_feelgood_marshall/2009/04/bout_preview_crackerjack_vs_fritolay)

keeping in touch from oregon, wi to savannah, ga

i met him at the beginning of october last year. i wasn't looking. i was actually dating (casually) a friend of his, who ended up encouraging us to get together.

the senator lives too dang far away. i miss him. a lot. i need to go see him again. i think within the next couple of months.

i'm going to start planning the trip. ;)

whoops, 'scuse me.

(this is actually me! i'm dancing a foxtrot with my teacher.)

*grin* i'm famous for my lack of grace OFF the dance floor. apparently, i'm so graceful (so i'm told) while i'm dancing. but i can trip literally the moment i walk off the dance floor.