Today is his visitation. Today the sadness hit me today. I only remember meeting him once and only for at most a half hour. Apparently I left a big impression. I was discussed at length. It was thought I wouldn't be given a fair shot because I wasn't her. It turned out that was the very reason he liked me as much as he did. He died in a "fiery car accident" Monday night. His family has gathered. I can see their different stages of grief through the small glimpses in. One brother is very angry. His widow is numb. His mother "puddles". My connection to him? He is going through everything from taking charge and handling everything to sleep deprivation to constant picking at the wound.
This morning I felt his "presence" as I was driving to work. I was thinking of his little boy, only five years old, not sure what is going on. I want to tell them all, he's at peace now. Before, he was always in so much pain, and as much as all of you loved him, too few of you saw and understood it. He didn't mean to go that night. If he knew how much this hurt everyone, he would have tried harder, kept trying harder. But, his pain is gone. He can love all of us freely now. He will always be there, watching, keeping us safe.
Because I'm outside all of this and I didn't know him very long, I'm not sure how to express my grief. Do I keep it private or do I try to share with his family? Even in my effort to not react to things, I'm being snippy and lashing out. I've changed my mind about going so many times, I can't remember which I've decided. I feel if I go, I'll be seen as the elephant in the room and not the supporting friend by everyone but one.
Sometimes, feeling this much is a burden. Not everyone understands how I see things -- and how death can frighten me to the point of panic one moment and the next seem so inviting. I'm afraid my tears won't be understood. I'm not sure I understand my tears sometimes.