moving...

i couldn't help it. the first note. the moment i saw it. the tears... i couldn't stop them if i had wanted and they deserved to come.

EDIT: again with videos being removed. *sigh*

it was pain and beauty and sorrow and joy and ... oh everything you could imagine.

i'll have to remember to bring lots of kleenex with me to the show.

woot!

the monkey and i have tickets to see the sytycd tour when it comes to milwaukee in october. I. CAN. NOT. WAIT!!! silly? well, maybe a little. but it's inspiring to me. i will be attempting to choreograph a duet with the monkey for next spring's dance recital. thankfully, miss t is more than happy to help us. *whew* i think it's going to end up being contemporary. we've never been "trained" in that form, and the only partnering i've ever done has been ballroom. i'm planning lifts. eep!

oh yes, we're going.

DEFINITELY. last night's episode of "so you think you can dance?" had me in tears. again. [SPOILER ALERT!] travis wall (2nd finalist from season 2 - danced mia michael's emmy winning routine with heidi) came back to the show to choreograph. omg! i lack words to adequately describe how amazing it was.

edit: silly links to non-existent videos. grr...

after the stand ovation provided by the judges (and all the tears provided by me) i promised the monkey that we would go see the tour. even if it meant that was our christmas presents. i have to see that dance again. even now, having just watched the video, i still choke up. (note to self: bring plenty of tissues. i hope the monkey will be ok with her mom sobbing her heart out watching that, in public.)

the tour comes to us in early october. tickets go on sale NEXT SATURDAY. needless to say, i WILL be getting us tickets. because ... damn. that was beautiful.

*ignore the little ad. the first video i chose was removed. :(

reserved

i watched the latest true blood episode last night. ooh... now, to get reading the books. i have the list all worked up, and the first one reserved. but... i'm the 104th request for that book. they have a lot in our system, but still. *sigh* also, requesting one at a time to make sure i get them in order. it's going to take me a long time. :(

*thank you princess mikkimoto for the library link too. :D

oh! em! gee! are you for real?

how does the co-worker even function in today's society? i mean, he's in it, and has a mobile phone that is older than the monkey. really? i don't think he's ever sent a text message. i set up the smartphone another employee was given for work because the co-worker has no idea how to work one.

today i spontaneously giggled aloud while reading an email a friend of mine sent me. he asked about the joke, because i can usually keep my giggles much quieter than that. when i told him she had used the word "twitterpated," he gave me a blank stare. seriously? how can anyone from our generation NOT know what twitterpated means? get this. he actually thought it was a word stemming from twitter. a social forum that i'm QUITE sure he has never used. along with facebook, plaxo, linked in, etc... i don't even think he has a myspace page.

worse yet, he couldn't remember what movie it was from!!!

a decided lack of things...

i'd post something. but... i haven't had anything much to say. i've been a huge kick of doing nothing much. oh i watched a bunch of true blood (my new addiction!) recently. i'm all caught up, i think. i've read some pretty ok books. mostly vampire. mostly young adult/teen. it's kind of fun having a pre-teen. she's 12 now. eep!

time capsule #3

ok. i took a lot of photos of loud. i mean a lot. thank goodness she's smokin' and totally photogenic.

time capsule #2

wow. loud totally rockin' out. hehehe...

"calgon, take me away!"

i love lists. here's my "to-do list" for the summer. here's hoping it doesn't stop at the beginning of school this fall.

• clean my house: because if i don't, i'm going to want to burn it down or go completely mad. neither is a very good option.

• spend as little as possible: i'd like to use what i have. sure the economy needs my money, but i don't have enough to give it lots. i'm realistic enough to know that i can't stop spending all together. i have a growing monkey and a shopping itch that needs scratching regularly. but i AM trying to be far more honest with whether or not i need something. will i actually use it? will i really wear it?
  

• get back into shape: a couple of years ago, i lost a lot of weight. while i loved losing it, it wasn't done healthy. this summer i'd like to get my butt moving and get it back to where it was. i know i already eat relatively healthy (ignore the bag of pretzels at my desk) but i haven't been moving as much. the dog needs it. i need it. move we will.

• clean my house, for real: did i mention clean my house? because it needs it. badly. anyone have an extra trash can i can use?
  

do not

if you're not going to take my suggestions seriously and/or strike them down, DO NOT ask for them in the first place. it's a gigantic waste of everyone's time.

i've been on/off about going to dance tonight. i'm pretty sure i'm going now. i need the discipline to burn off the anger of being talked over and completely ignored even when my opinion is solicited.

update...

so the senator is talking again. here's hoping he remembers i want to help when and where i can, but that i can't if he doesn't tell me he needs it. i can understand the feeling that he shouldn't have to ask for help, that he should be able to do it all on his own. but if he can't ask me for help, the woman he wants having his babies, who is he able to ask?

during all of this, i asked my bff for the reminder he gave me the last time this happened. i said i was hurting because of this, and his response was "how is he hurting you? by not talking to you for a little while?" that was received yesterday, mid-day. i still want to rip his head off and scream down his throat. so, no, there hasn't been a response from me.

while the bff seems to think i'm blowing this out of proportion, i have another friend who can't understand why i'm putting up with it and still with the senator. but then he doesn't seem to understand depression and other mental illnesses. he certainly doesn't understand mine.

i want to continue making the plans for monkey and i to move to georgia. but i can't in good conscience do that until i feel more stable in our relationship. and yes, i've told the senator this. here's hoping it doesn't spark another silence. in the meantime, i'll try to plan a summer trip out there. maybe with monkey, maybe not. *sigh*

time capsule #1

ooh... i think i'm going to like this photojojo thingy... i signed up ages ago. today is my first time capsule. :)

lookie here.

fun! especially since the lovely lady in that photo is our one and only loud. tomorrow is her birthday AND she's going on a trip that has me SOOOO... jealous. happy birthday and have a blast on your trip, loud. be safe and come home with tons of stories to share!

weather report

it's cold and rainy. suits my mood perfectly. it almost lets me pretend my mood isn't quite so stormy. i can just say it's the weather. except it's not. if it was sunny, i'm quite sure my mood would be most foul. *sigh* meh.

i know...

i should be sleeping. i want to be. but i'm kind of afraid to. ugh. this sucks. at least the weather suits my mood. i feel like i'm mourning. again. i just want to know and be able to move forward.

hello? anyone there?

i don't know what to say. what to do. how can i help? or even just be supportive? the senator isn't talking to me. again. he's shutdown. or shut me out. i don't know. last time, i emailed, text'd, called... at least once a day (definitely more). at first to find out what was going on. then to let him know i was hurt and angry. then to let him know i still care and was here when he was ready. he had his reasons for this. but we've since talked about it. and i let him know how much it hurt my feelings and made me angry. but this time, there wasn't any reason i could see to shut me out. again. last time i was told to be patient, that if i didn't push, things would get sorted out faster. ok. so this time, its been four days since the last time i heard from him. the first time it was seven. i'm not sure how long i can keep this up. i called tonight, hoping. apparently that was too much. if i don't keep myself constantly distracted, i get this lump in my throat that i can't swallow past too well. i feel vaguely nauseous (no, i'm NOT pregnant). i want to cry. not just the tears i cry when watching grey's anatomy (omg, i've NEVER NOT cried at that damn show), but the body racking sobs that little kids do when they're over-tired and hungry and things have just gone wrong once too often. if i don't keep myself distracted, i think about all the things that won't be happening. the faces i don't see in my dreams any longer. he said he was not like the other men in my life. no? right now, i'm not sure i see the difference.

*for the record, i'm not looking for anyone to tell me it's ok to end it. i'm not ready to end it. i still want to fight for what i want. i just need to know i'm not the only one fighting...