Lost Luggage

A 12year old girl can't do anything so wrong that she carries the blame for the rest of her life. No matter what she's told. I'm returning that luggage to it's rightful owner. I've already started. Recently there has been blame laid at my feet for something I had nothing to do with. That problem started long before I came along. She can have it back.

I've told certain people to "get bent". I would have liked to shove other things down other throats, but that just wasn't an option. I am, however, finding that I NEED to get my hiney to the gym. I don't know why I always forget how much I like burning off my anger through exercise. Though a good and angry tango would work too.

Back in the spotlight

Saturday night, I danced for more than just fun in a very long time. I had been asked to join the Dance On Air dance team to perform at the Wisconsin Women's Health Foundation Spring Gala. It is held at the State Capitol. Black tie party. Very fancy. I saw a few soldiers in formal uniform. Lots of ballgowns. The theme this year was Cinco de Mayo. Made perfect sense to me considering what the date was Saturday. As a result, we were asked to do a lot of Latin dances. The cha cha was my first dance "back in the spotlight", so OF COURSE I forgot a huge chunk of the dance. The rumba and salsa that followed were much better. I figured I couldn't screw up any worse than I already had. That final bow was my favorite part of the night. All the dance team members stayed for the dancing and food. I discovered I quite enjoy mojitos. I also discovered marble has no give and I bounce when I walk into marble. Mojitos are quite medicinal. You can rest the glass on your shoulder and then drink it occasionally. Yes, there is a large bruise. Yes it hurts.

Last night I had just a regular dance class. Though, I was at a loss for what to do afterward. The last few weeks, I've had rehearsal after class until close to 11pm. Last night, I was home by 8pm! I kept getting up and wandering around aimlessly in my house, because I didn't know what to do with myself.

There is some thought being given to having the dance team get together for Summer Twilight, a small competition held by Dance On Air. I do hope there will be. Otherwise I will need to start taking donations to purchase a ballroom gown. Those babies are not cheap!

Broken

Promises broken. Hearts shattered. How to pick up the pieces? Most of the pieces are so small they can't be seen. I have a crack running through me so wide I feel like the Grand Canyon. I'm not willing to be vulnerable again. Is there a bandage big enough to cover the wound.

How do you find someone who will accept you just as you are? Including the broken parts. Who will love you for those broken parts. I didn't actually think it was possible to begin with. And one day, there he was. Smiling with love for me. But now it's done. The love is still there. For both of us. Life has chosen to bar me from that happiness.

Sadness

Today is his visitation. Today the sadness hit me today. I only remember meeting him once and only for at most a half hour. Apparently I left a big impression. I was discussed at length. It was thought I wouldn't be given a fair shot because I wasn't her. It turned out that was the very reason he liked me as much as he did. He died in a "fiery car accident" Monday night. His family has gathered. I can see their different stages of grief through the small glimpses in. One brother is very angry. His widow is numb. His mother "puddles". My connection to him? He is going through everything from taking charge and handling everything to sleep deprivation to constant picking at the wound.

This morning I felt his "presence" as I was driving to work. I was thinking of his little boy, only five years old, not sure what is going on. I want to tell them all, he's at peace now. Before, he was always in so much pain, and as much as all of you loved him, too few of you saw and understood it. He didn't mean to go that night. If he knew how much this hurt everyone, he would have tried harder, kept trying harder. But, his pain is gone. He can love all of us freely now. He will always be there, watching, keeping us safe.

Because I'm outside all of this and I didn't know him very long, I'm not sure how to express my grief. Do I keep it private or do I try to share with his family? Even in my effort to not react to things, I'm being snippy and lashing out. I've changed my mind about going so many times, I can't remember which I've decided. I feel if I go, I'll be seen as the elephant in the room and not the supporting friend by everyone but one.

Sometimes, feeling this much is a burden. Not everyone understands how I see things -- and how death can frighten me to the point of panic one moment and the next seem so inviting. I'm afraid my tears won't be understood. I'm not sure I understand my tears sometimes.

Let's see what I come up with in five minutes

Let's see... I have a new therapist who is fantastic. I feel like I'm actually going to get somewhere with her. You know, instead of just talking and talking until one day arbitrarily the other person goes, "Well, I think you'll be alright. We don't need to schedule another appointment." I feel like there's some interaction between the two of us. I tell her something, and she gives it a name for me. XYZ bothers me, she says it's because of GHI. And it makes sense! She's interning with another therapist who is also great. 

Uh, I'm pretty sure my brain is toast

I can't think of a damn thing to say. Things aren't better than they were. I'm not sobbing my eyes out, but happy is a long way off yet. Heck, OK is still a long way off. I hate liars. If you can't back up your words with your actions, you've lied to me. I mean, no skin off my neck. It's one less person I have to have in my life. A victory as my therapist said Saturday. And oddly, it feels exactly like that. A victory. I'm able to release someone who has been poisoning me since spring last year. There's still a long list of people to go through, finding the good ones to keep and ditching the bad ones. I do need to learn to let go sooner, rather than hanging on because someone, once, somewhere, told me I wasn't trying hard enough. That's still a work in progress. And probably always will be. My favorite is when you find one of those gems hiding in a pile of crap (and trust me, this gem is about as good at getting rid of the bad people as I am -- that is to say not good at all) because helping them shine again is fantastic.

Okay this has so not gone how I thought it would. I'm going to stop while I'm ahead.

Quick, before they catch me

Sad is here. Not the gut wrenching sad that was here Friday. Just sad, yes I'll have moments of happiness, but I think I'm just as content being alone. I'm supposed to meet someone for coffee Saturday afternoon. I want to cancel. I don't know why. Other than I have a feeling it's just not right. I hate the idea that I might miss something I should experience, but my gut just says nope.

Time to go up... The front desk is my favorite place at these times. Someone always wants to chat. Yay.

UPDATE: After therapy this morning, I sent the gentleman I was supposed to meet for coffee a message asking if we could postpone for another time and explained I'm just not ready. He was kind enough to understand. Instead I spent a few hours at Peaceful Heart in town. Far more relaxing. I just wish I could remember which scent I liked. Or where I can find something called Release.

Terminology

The co-worker is having an issue with the muckity-mucks not using the correct terminology. I suggested making a picture book dictionary. He's not willing to allow that because "well if this picture doesn't look exactly like theirs, then its wrong." I say he's giving them more issues than they have. Take an apple. How many apples do you know of? Think of all the colors and shapes. But they're all still an apple. So if I make something with the terms the muckity-mucks are misusing, it's still what the picture is even if it's not identical. He gets so wound tight and nothing gets in. And I'm the one with the mental disease.

Then there is his hand holding. *sigh* If they have climbed the corporate ladder, they have achieved some tangible education. Which means, if you offer them a set of steps to do something, they should be able to follow those steps and complete the task. And failing to do so, does not automatically become my department's fault. Our boss and I won't tolerate the whining that comes with the "but can't you do it for me?" Perhaps it's because we're both mothers and he hasn't any children. Maybe that gives us an edge he lacks. But if Monkey needed to learn to tie her shoes so I wouldn't be doing it for her in college, then the adults in upper management can learn to enter their own password in the company smartphones.

This is not a week we want to poke this bear. I will fight back. And I will win, by whatever means necessary.

This Is Hard

*sigh* I don't know how to do this. Today... well yesterday was much better. I'm tired. The day just drags on. Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to work and I will have to act like this weekend didn't happen. The racing thoughts are back. I get the emotions are all always there. I just hate that I get SO angry and I have nothing I can do about that energy. I ... I feel like an idiot. A huge flaming idiot. I feel like every muscle in my body has completely knotted up. The amount of shaking I did in the last two days, frankly I'm surprised I was able to write anything and didn't fall off my chair. Now I have a kink in my shoulder making me not want to move. The shaking has stopped for now. I'm not sure when the tears will. Which means my eyes will still burn.

*sigh*

Well, Shit

This the worst I think I've been since being diagnosed. I'm nauseous. I feel hollow. My heart hurts. My head hurts. I don't want to kill myself but sure as shit don't want to be alive. I know what I have but am blinded by what I don't. I hate this disease. It takes over and makes me awful. Yes. I've been taking my medication. No I haven't called my therapist. I'm trying to see about a new one. Yes I left her a message. I'm hoping she calls back soon. I don't know if she handles this. I have an appointment with my medication therapist next Friday. Something needs to change. I'm so exhausted by this. I want to curl up and die. Putting Monkey through this is so unfair to her. It's so unfair that I did everything right and I'm still going trough this. And explaining to someone that yes, I know what's real, the problem is all this feels real too. That I'm going to be alone forever. No one wants me. I don't want me, why would anyone else? I was truly happy for a brief moment but I don't get to keep it. How do I know I will find that again? I need to KNOW. Why is it wrong to want what everyone else has? Why can't I have that too? Why can't he drop everything to help me right now? We've seen when I'm good I can handle things. We know this. I stepped aside when she needed his help. I said I'd wait and do what I could to help. But when it's me, I'm told not to be selfish and manipulative. How is a fucking disease I was most likely born with manipulative of anyone other than me??? It's so hard not to just scream at the top of my lungs until I have no voice. Or break everything I can get my hands on. "Hulk smash!" Maybe that's what was wrong with Bruce Banner. I want to cut my heart out, toss it in the trash and just walk away. I want to vomit so much I finally just pass out. Or maybe I should just dope up until I'm a zombie (hello Prozac). If I can't feel it won't hurt. There's no cat for me to get at the end of this. Marti would be jealous. For how much this hurts I'm angry I won't have any external injuries to show for this. I want to look as beat up as I feel. And I want to be able to say, "You should see the other guy.". A writer I am not. Paragraphs that make sense don't flow from me. Stream of consciousness makes sense to me if I read it months later or even if it's someone else's consciousness. Puffy eyes. Tear stains on my cheeks. Exhaustion in my face. Pants that will fall off me soon. This is the face of a crash victim of bi polar. Not a scar or bruise to be seen, but I wish there was. I'd have war wounds from my battles. Claw marks that run across my body. Get mauled by a tiger, everyone can tell. Get mauled by bi polar, you're the only one. Get over it. Get back to work, to life. Snap out of it. You're being a baby. Believe me. I would do just that if I could.

The problem is I can't.

Warning: Stream of Consciousness

*This hasn't been edited. I just wrote what popped onto my head.

How am I supposed to maintain a relationship when I can't even trust the thoughts in my head? He tells me things. And I know them to be true. I *know* it. But then my mind twists it all into something ugly and mean. I lash out because I can't hold it in anymore. I say things I don't want to say because they're mean and spiteful. But I'm hurting and I want it to stop. So I pretend I don't care. Even though we all know I care more than I should. I think if I'm alone no one can hurt me. No one can disappoint me. He doesn't do it on purpose. The world around us happens whether I'm ready for it or not. I hide in my space. He deals with the world. But I want him with me. I'm tired of fighting myself alone. Battling thoughts that aren't even my own. But they're in my head, don't they belong to me? If they do then I'm a mean, hateful person. I don't want to be that. Make them stop. I'm not like that. I don't want to be that girl. No, I don't care if everyone doesn't like me. But the people I like/love... I want them to like/love me back. But who wants to love someone who snaps for no reason Or is irrationally angry over something minor. Or gets so out of control she doesn't recognize herself anymore. And doesn't even like herself. I promised a long time ago not to hurt myself. But the broken part of me doesn't care what I promised people even yesterday. It just hurts until I want the hurt physical. So it's something I can fix. Unfortunately stitches won't fix this. I don't know what will. This is something I can't fix on my own and I have a very hard time asking for help when I know I will always need it. Is it even fair of me to ask for him to help me?

Count Your Blessings (Instead Of Sheep)

When I'm worried and I can't sleep
I count my blessings instead of sheep
And I fall asleep counting my blessings
When my bankroll is getting small
I think of when I had none at all
And I fall asleep counting my blessings

I think about a nursery and I picture curly heads
And one by one I count them as they slumber in their beds
If you're worried and you can't sleep
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings

I think about a nursery and I picture curly heads
And one by one I count them as they slumber in their beds
If you're worried and you can't sleep
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings

-Cole Porter

I'm having a major downswing. Yes, I'm taking my medication. No, I haven't missed a dose. I don't remember much about the manic period. I think I was angry about a lot. It's right before Christmas, usually. This year is particularly bad. One day, I'll be able to spend New Year's Eve without being in tears... Right, the blessings.

My daughter. Without her I would not be alive. My friends. Any hope of sanity would be completely gone without them. My love. I can live without you, I just don't want to. My health. Even though I'm a nutcase I'm a healthy nutcase. My job. I hate it but I have one. My house. It's never been home for me but it's more than others have. (Uh oh, resolution?) My family. You're fucked up, it's genetic. But your mine and I still kinda love you.

If a Man Wants You - DivineCaroline

A friend of mine shared this on Facebook. It was EXACTLY what I needed to see. I want to share it with all of you as well.

So Tired of It

I am tired of being broke. I'm quite sure a lot of you know what I'm talking about. This will be one of the slimmest Christmas' of our lives. If it can't be crocheted, no one is getting it. At least not from me. Thank goodness Monkey has experience slim Christmas' before. And that she doesn't really need anything right now.

Dear Santa,
Could you please take care of my bills? I've been good this year.
Thank you,
zeghsy

A New Cake Recipe

The preceding post is brought to you by my absolutely shitty love life. It's no longer complicated, it's just non-existent. I have that song on repeat. Have since yesterday after work. I got the email at 11:30pm Tuesday night. Coward.

But the song isn't to feed my depression. Its to remind me I came from so much worse than this and became stronger and more beautiful. My bounce will be back soon. You'll see the fierce me.

A friend just said to me, "If you make a cake the same way and it's wrong, of course you end up with a crappy cake every time. We have to look at your recipe and how you bake it." So, I'm getting a new cake recipe. Any suggestions would be welcome.

I allowed myself to wallow yesterday. All black, sunglasses in the office, crying the whole way home. I'm done now. Onward and upward. I knew when this started I wouldn't let it consume me like it had before.

Take a good look buddy. You lost all this and more. You've made your bed, I hope you like laying in it for eternity.