battles

i know we all have a lot of leeway. my boss wants the work done, and us happy. but some people take way too much advantage of that. it irritates me. one day, i'll wave bye to this person, permanently. sooner rather than later would be best.

brr...

i'm cold, freezing. it's a gorgeous summer day, and i'm stuck in an ice block for an office. the sweater i leave here looks ridiculous on me today. i just want to go get the rest of the twilight saga (i know, i'm way behind things, but i finally read the first book saturday night. THE WHOLE THING!) and crawl in bed and read them all day.

sweet sweet sleep

ambien knocks me out literally within a half hour of taking it. if i fight it, i "see" weird things. the first time i realized it, the paper UNDERNEATH THE WORDS was moving like a current. freaked me out, but i thought it was funny as all get-out. when the dr. prescribed it to me, i had spent almost a year with less than 4 hours of sleep a night. 4 hours at that time was a good night (not even straight through mind you). i took it every night for a month. now i only take it if i don't sleep for two nights in a row and i make sure my dad is around for my daughter if she needs someone. i'm completely comatose when taking that stuff. thankfully it only lasts for four hours (it's the smallest dose you can get) and then my body does the rest (FINALLY!)

*comment on this post.

commenting on a post

"Friendliness in an Unfriendly World"
some how i found this post. wow... it's so true. i wanted to comment, but they were closed.

i had a run in with a pediatrician that had a similar attitude. the monkey was sick and i took her in to urgent care. this particular fellow stuck the tongue depressor so far down her throat she gagged on it. his response was, "ew!" and backed away quickly. while yes, it was icky, his response was not in anyway soothing for either the monkey or me. not cool dude. ahem, you're a doctor. treating a small child. SOOTHE US DAMN IT. i mentioned it to our regular doctor. we never saw that one again...

you just gotta love loud.

17. Get a better vocabulary so I don't write things like paradisaical.

perfect quote for me today

i have taken the reigns now...

giddy up and stand clear.

blog the recession

motherhood uncensored's idea. it's a good one. here's me joining the ranks. there's a link on my side bar. it's the cute little piggy bank. i've been thinking about having ads on here. it's still just thinking... but i can appreciated how every little bit helps.

panic attack

they never last more than 20 minutes. you CAN NOT die from one.

but, they scare the hell out of everyone in my house. i had my first, full-fledge, "this one goes to 11" panic attack. i know you can't die from a panic attack, but i sure as hell thought i was going to.

at least, i hope it was a panic attack. scary shit otherwise.

because i apparently pay such close attention...

welcome to post # 102. :) -- duh me.

my weekend:

friday, after two quick errands and nails (seriously cut down, i'm tired of stabbing myself with my talons -- rawr!), i drove to the lovely appleton area. neenah to be exact. my lovely friend silver b just moved into a cute little house with his cousin. they think it's small. HA! i could fit my bed room in their kitchen. hating just a little. anywho... silver b was taking me dancing. not just clubbing either. actual ballroom dancing. at a ballroom! lots of fun. i didn't dance quite as much as i would have liked to, but definitely more than i would at a regular friday night party. two dances with other guys, the rest with b. of course it wasn't until the last dance that i finally start getting his leads better. *sigh* that just means i have to go visit a lot more often. :D and when i finally get to meet his gf (work got in the way this weekend), he'll be totally pimpin'. *snicker*

speed and i saw the dark knight saturday, imax'd. i 'just' caught the trailer for watchmen -- whoa. dk was everything i had hoped for. (to the movie gods above) thank you for not disappointing me. how come everyone didn't like 'the batman' voice? um... you put a suit on like that and expect to talk normally. sheesh. hello, IT FIT THE ROLE. and for those of you who couldn't understand him (i've read blogs that said that?!?!), turn around and tell the amazingly huge people who climbed to the top of the theatre to stop snorting their popcorn so they stop sounding like they're having sex during the movie. duh, sex happens because of batman, not during.

speed is at a work conference in d.c. this week. his plane left freakishly early sunday morning and being the good friend i am, i took him to the airport. we left his place at 5:15am. ugh. the sun was completely up by the time i got home and marti would not stop licking. grr...

my brother was supposed to have moved here back in april. then he was supposed to have moved to texas this weekend. well he's still in northern va. even if it's for a few months, i'd love for him to come here. it's only a little detour... i miss him. a lot. send him love.

i was supposed to have spent the weekend with socrates. i didn't. things are... on hold between us, as usual. as long as he's being honest with me, i'm still cool with things.

national night out -- TONIGHT?!?!?

i know it's national night out. but i'd really like a night IN. there laundry to be done, old episodes of grey's anatomy to be watched (and subsequently cried over), and a special monkey to be cuddled. plus oodles of photos still to be edited from showcase. a night out? i don't think it's going to happen.

then there's the whole deal with my weekend now. am i going to appleton to see socrates or is he coming down to visit his family and spend a few hours with me? i would prefer me going there. i get much more time with him PLUS i get the added bonus of hanging out with my new buddy silver b. i guess we'll talk about it more later this week. but at the moment, i'm not happy with the direction my weekend (that i've been planning for 3 weeks now) seems to be going.

sucky...

i hate that i miss him so much. i called him last night. he just called me back. disappointed? yah, i was but hey, shit happens. now i want to cry.

we had made plans for me to go see him this weekend, but now he says he might be coming down here to see family. while that's cool (petrol is freaking expensive after all), i was looking forward to not being around here, getting away, and i had made some plans with new friends up by him for friday night.

there's the time. i didn't see him until almost 1am last time. if he wants to go dancing, we really can't wait that long. we had an issue with rude dancers last time and it colored our evening. i don't want to sit around doing nothing all day and most of the night, while i wait for him. (yes, i know. i shouldn't wait for any man to call. i should just go and do the thing i want.) also, i want to be able to just be alone with him.

i love each and every moment i have with him. but sometimes, i kind of wish he hadn't called me again. my life really wouldn't be any different. i'm trying to live, not hoping for him. i mean, i have speed here. he and i aren't ready for more. while socrates and i want more, he can't give it to me, yet. if ever. so i take his friendship and i don't ask for more.

disappointed. yah. enough that my lesson tonight will be a little difficult.

storms

i'm having one of those nights. some people can see the clouds rolling in. they know to take shelter. me. i'm not sure i'm that lucky. i don't usually know there's a storm coming until it's hit and i'm standing in the eye of the storm or looking at the aftermath. i'm sitting in the living room, in the dark, waiting for it to go away.

thank you. to all of you. you help me be reminded that everyone has a very real life and they're ugly and messy and great and amazing and full of beautiful moments that make you appreciate it all. so thank you. you make the storms a little more bareable.


*note: this was heavily edited to take out all the crap that a) i'm not sure i'm completely ready to share, b) all the crap in general, and c) the rambling that is my "voice". this is the essence of what i wanted to say.