Yippee, I win.

Oh joy. I'm so glad I won. Please read this in a very heavy sarcastic accent. I didn't want to win. But I won't allow someone to treat me the way I was treated. I'm out. You suck. You know who you are. Just remember, what you put out in the world comes back to you. Heavier and harder. Karma's a bitch and she does not like being fucked with. Oh, and we're tight. Like totes besties.

See you never, loser.

How nauseating...

Ex-boyfriends that just don't get that you're over them and they just need to leave you the fuck alone are some of the most irritating things in the world. I've moved on. I told him that I never wanted to hear from him or speak to him again. And what does he do, he emails me. What a dumbass.

Sledge hammer teaching methods

Is there an easier way to get ideas into thick skulls? That is without using a sledge hammer. I've heard that is kind of frowned upon. Which is lame, because I know so many who would benefit from a little correction via sledge hammer. And in that case a little goes a long way.

Weird things are afoot

I'm not sure how much to get into it just yet, but life is taking an odd turn at the moment.

Very odd. Like make you check for hidden cameras odd. Or wonder if you're just a character in a sci-fi fiction.

Upromise | Make the Pledge

Upromise | Make the Pledge: I am making the pledge for my child to help fuel their dreams and teach them the importance of saving for college. I am joining the millions of families committed to collectively save a billion dollars for college through Upromise by Sallie Mae.

There is no way I can pay for college for Monkey. Heck, I can barely cover our bills now. But if I can help save even enough to cover a few books, that's good enough for me. I made sure we've talked about this and there will be no surprises when she goes to apply for financial aid. Whether or not there's any aid to be had is completely different.

Spoilers, sweetie

I just got finished watching some Doctor Who. Yes I'm a nerd. I thought we all knew that. Moving on. The Doctor makes me think about the strangest things. Like when am I going to get a sonic screwdriver. I am quite sure I would find one of those terribly handy. Fix all manner of things with that. Or why has American sentence structure gone so far from English sentence structure. And why we don't say brilliant or rubbish more often. Or torch. I'd be much happier if we called flashlights torches.

But then he makes me think about time and space.

And then I think I may not be able to settle for just some human man. But that I'll need a mad man in a blue box as well. I don't have a Rory. No Last Centurion for me. But I could be the girl who waited. But only for The Doctor.

Like I said. He makes me think the strangest things.

Fun times

Today has been ... interesting. The co-worker managed to break faxing early afternoon yesterday, Internet, and then email. He's fixed Internet and email. But faxing is still down, for those keeping score at home. I'm on my second field trip of the day. The first one was shortly after getting to work and I basically went halfway home to deliver a part. Now I'm basically at my dance studio waiting for that part to work again so I can go back to the office and drop it off there, clock out take the mail and then come back here for my dance class. But guess what, I get overtime people! Woot. And I'm getting to be out of the office. So nice.

Long time no chat

So. How have y'all been? Anything new? Not much here. I mean besides giving the finally heave ho to an ex, getting back into competition, and new flooring in the Papa's man cave.

Man it felt good to chuck the ex too. I'm sure he thinks he had the final word, but in reality his word stopped having much weight long ago. And now anything he sends me goes straight to the trash unread and unopened.

It felt amazing to get back into competition. I had a nationally recognized ballroom judge tell me I'm too good of a dancer to look down. Me?! My feet were rubbish. But in my defense everyone's feet were rubbish Sunday. And to make things even better, the director of e studio I attend awarded me a small scholarship for lessons. Yes I cried. Happy tears though. Now I can work on those rubbish feet of mine. I think the best part of Sunday was having Monkey being there for me. It's the first time she's come to a comp with me. Walking off the dance floor to get a big hug from her felt like I won every heat I was in. Now we just have to figure out how to get her back out on the dance floor. She really misses dance. Oh, she finally got her cartwheel and round off in tumbling. So all the girls in her cheer team can do them in the routines. Yay!

Papa had new wood laminate flooring put in his man cave today. It's so much nicer than that nasty carpet the crazy lady who owned this place last had it in. That was just gross. But now I'll have to make Papa booties and socks before winter to keep his feet warm. And blankets for Cody too. Big dumb dog.

It was great catching up. Don't be such a stranger next time. say hi to the kids and hubs for me. Cheers.

Am I old...

If I go to bed now and I'm on vacation? I think tonight I'm ok being old.

To Do List

Watch Monkey at tumbling. Check.
Pick up cereal and cat food. Check.
Take Monkey to cheer practice. Check.
Dance for 4 hours and leave sore and tired and not sure we have this routine even a little. Oh my goodness check.

Is it wrong that I'm more than a little nervous about dancing with my partner in formation group? I'm terrified of being dropped. Again. But in front of everyone this time. And I don't know that he can do the repetition I'll want to feel comfortable.

Missing

Me. The real me. Not this person others think I am or want me to be to fit some mold they have in mind. I get glimpses of her. And I like what I see. She's strong. And loving. And that is beautiful to me. And best of all she's that way all on her own. I'll find her again. And one of these days she will be me and will stay for good.

Starts with goodbye

I was sitting on my doorstep,
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand,
But I knew I had to do it,
And he wouldn't understand,
So hard to see myself without him,
I felt a piece of my heart break,
But when you're standing at a crossroad,
There's a choice you gotta make.

[Chorus:]
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.

[Chorus:]
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

Time heals,
The wounds that you feel,
Somehow, right now.

[Chorus:]
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
Starts with goodbye,
The only way you try to find,
It's sad but, sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye,
Na na na na na na na.

-Carrie Underwood

Captain Obvious

Alright, I need to dance more. That is clearly obvious. Last night, I had a class (swing = fun!) and then a private lesson with my partner from the Gala. Two full hours of dancing. I could have happily done another hour. Hell, I'm ready to do that same thing again tonight. I was asked last night if I would be doing anything besides the team dance at the upcoming competition. I would love to. But preparing for anything beyond the team dances will completely depend on finances. I simply don't make enough money at my job. I've thought about working for the studio. But that didn't go so well at my last studio. Even though there isn't enough time in the day for everything they need to get done. I just need to come into a small fortune (not that I would say no to a large one).

Squirrel!

There are few things more exciting than being woken up at 6:20am on a holiday weekend by a loud explosion. Especially one of the days you CAN sleep in. It seems too fishy to be a squirrel suicide. I think a full investigation into a homicide is in order.

Confused... and a bit rushed

My dating life has pretty much blown of late. My options for meeting someone available, eligible, and worthy of me are slim. So I went and signed up for OkCupid.com and Match.com. OkC hasn't given me much. Apparently there is a difference between "available" and "single". I have been educated. The hard way. Weird and a little creepy. Particularly since NOTHING in my profile implies I would be ok with "available". *sigh* That's assuming they bother to read my profile. Match.com isn't terribly promising.

I just got an email from someone who said something I found more than a little rude. As of now, we have never met and I wasn't feeling the need to meet him the longer we chatted. He offered to pay for dance lessons for the two of us to take together. Without meeting me. Or even having a coffee date scheduled. In fact all he's done was suggest that maybe because I have no plans for the weekend we could maybe get together. And then he offers to pay for lessons. (Which for the record, aren't cheap -- by any stretch of the imagination.) When I emailed him back to thank him for the offer but decline, he responded that I'm negative and my fear is why I have no plans for my off weekends for the last 13 years.

Um, HUH?

Being the bigger person, I decided not to respond as I know it wouldn't be nice. However, I will be gracious enough to share my response with you all.

Dude. Really? I'm being negative because I don't want to accept a gift that is outrageous for you to offer at this point of our "relationship". We haven't met. I was chatting more out of politeness than anything else -- and the hope that maybe you would say something that would send me that spark that is very clearly missing. For the record, I don't want to meet you this weekend. And I sure as hell don't want to take lessons with you. I'd MUCH rather dance with my teacher or her husband or my dance partner from the last performance.

All in all, I think it would have been a fine response. But given his behavior, blocking him worked just as well. :)

Lost Luggage

A 12year old girl can't do anything so wrong that she carries the blame for the rest of her life. No matter what she's told. I'm returning that luggage to it's rightful owner. I've already started. Recently there has been blame laid at my feet for something I had nothing to do with. That problem started long before I came along. She can have it back.

I've told certain people to "get bent". I would have liked to shove other things down other throats, but that just wasn't an option. I am, however, finding that I NEED to get my hiney to the gym. I don't know why I always forget how much I like burning off my anger through exercise. Though a good and angry tango would work too.

Back in the spotlight

Saturday night, I danced for more than just fun in a very long time. I had been asked to join the Dance On Air dance team to perform at the Wisconsin Women's Health Foundation Spring Gala. It is held at the State Capitol. Black tie party. Very fancy. I saw a few soldiers in formal uniform. Lots of ballgowns. The theme this year was Cinco de Mayo. Made perfect sense to me considering what the date was Saturday. As a result, we were asked to do a lot of Latin dances. The cha cha was my first dance "back in the spotlight", so OF COURSE I forgot a huge chunk of the dance. The rumba and salsa that followed were much better. I figured I couldn't screw up any worse than I already had. That final bow was my favorite part of the night. All the dance team members stayed for the dancing and food. I discovered I quite enjoy mojitos. I also discovered marble has no give and I bounce when I walk into marble. Mojitos are quite medicinal. You can rest the glass on your shoulder and then drink it occasionally. Yes, there is a large bruise. Yes it hurts.

Last night I had just a regular dance class. Though, I was at a loss for what to do afterward. The last few weeks, I've had rehearsal after class until close to 11pm. Last night, I was home by 8pm! I kept getting up and wandering around aimlessly in my house, because I didn't know what to do with myself.

There is some thought being given to having the dance team get together for Summer Twilight, a small competition held by Dance On Air. I do hope there will be. Otherwise I will need to start taking donations to purchase a ballroom gown. Those babies are not cheap!

Broken

Promises broken. Hearts shattered. How to pick up the pieces? Most of the pieces are so small they can't be seen. I have a crack running through me so wide I feel like the Grand Canyon. I'm not willing to be vulnerable again. Is there a bandage big enough to cover the wound.

How do you find someone who will accept you just as you are? Including the broken parts. Who will love you for those broken parts. I didn't actually think it was possible to begin with. And one day, there he was. Smiling with love for me. But now it's done. The love is still there. For both of us. Life has chosen to bar me from that happiness.

Sadness

Today is his visitation. Today the sadness hit me today. I only remember meeting him once and only for at most a half hour. Apparently I left a big impression. I was discussed at length. It was thought I wouldn't be given a fair shot because I wasn't her. It turned out that was the very reason he liked me as much as he did. He died in a "fiery car accident" Monday night. His family has gathered. I can see their different stages of grief through the small glimpses in. One brother is very angry. His widow is numb. His mother "puddles". My connection to him? He is going through everything from taking charge and handling everything to sleep deprivation to constant picking at the wound.

This morning I felt his "presence" as I was driving to work. I was thinking of his little boy, only five years old, not sure what is going on. I want to tell them all, he's at peace now. Before, he was always in so much pain, and as much as all of you loved him, too few of you saw and understood it. He didn't mean to go that night. If he knew how much this hurt everyone, he would have tried harder, kept trying harder. But, his pain is gone. He can love all of us freely now. He will always be there, watching, keeping us safe.

Because I'm outside all of this and I didn't know him very long, I'm not sure how to express my grief. Do I keep it private or do I try to share with his family? Even in my effort to not react to things, I'm being snippy and lashing out. I've changed my mind about going so many times, I can't remember which I've decided. I feel if I go, I'll be seen as the elephant in the room and not the supporting friend by everyone but one.

Sometimes, feeling this much is a burden. Not everyone understands how I see things -- and how death can frighten me to the point of panic one moment and the next seem so inviting. I'm afraid my tears won't be understood. I'm not sure I understand my tears sometimes.

Let's see what I come up with in five minutes

Let's see... I have a new therapist who is fantastic. I feel like I'm actually going to get somewhere with her. You know, instead of just talking and talking until one day arbitrarily the other person goes, "Well, I think you'll be alright. We don't need to schedule another appointment." I feel like there's some interaction between the two of us. I tell her something, and she gives it a name for me. XYZ bothers me, she says it's because of GHI. And it makes sense! She's interning with another therapist who is also great. 

Uh, I'm pretty sure my brain is toast

I can't think of a damn thing to say. Things aren't better than they were. I'm not sobbing my eyes out, but happy is a long way off yet. Heck, OK is still a long way off. I hate liars. If you can't back up your words with your actions, you've lied to me. I mean, no skin off my neck. It's one less person I have to have in my life. A victory as my therapist said Saturday. And oddly, it feels exactly like that. A victory. I'm able to release someone who has been poisoning me since spring last year. There's still a long list of people to go through, finding the good ones to keep and ditching the bad ones. I do need to learn to let go sooner, rather than hanging on because someone, once, somewhere, told me I wasn't trying hard enough. That's still a work in progress. And probably always will be. My favorite is when you find one of those gems hiding in a pile of crap (and trust me, this gem is about as good at getting rid of the bad people as I am -- that is to say not good at all) because helping them shine again is fantastic.

Okay this has so not gone how I thought it would. I'm going to stop while I'm ahead.

Quick, before they catch me

Sad is here. Not the gut wrenching sad that was here Friday. Just sad, yes I'll have moments of happiness, but I think I'm just as content being alone. I'm supposed to meet someone for coffee Saturday afternoon. I want to cancel. I don't know why. Other than I have a feeling it's just not right. I hate the idea that I might miss something I should experience, but my gut just says nope.

Time to go up... The front desk is my favorite place at these times. Someone always wants to chat. Yay.

UPDATE: After therapy this morning, I sent the gentleman I was supposed to meet for coffee a message asking if we could postpone for another time and explained I'm just not ready. He was kind enough to understand. Instead I spent a few hours at Peaceful Heart in town. Far more relaxing. I just wish I could remember which scent I liked. Or where I can find something called Release.

Terminology

The co-worker is having an issue with the muckity-mucks not using the correct terminology. I suggested making a picture book dictionary. He's not willing to allow that because "well if this picture doesn't look exactly like theirs, then its wrong." I say he's giving them more issues than they have. Take an apple. How many apples do you know of? Think of all the colors and shapes. But they're all still an apple. So if I make something with the terms the muckity-mucks are misusing, it's still what the picture is even if it's not identical. He gets so wound tight and nothing gets in. And I'm the one with the mental disease.

Then there is his hand holding. *sigh* If they have climbed the corporate ladder, they have achieved some tangible education. Which means, if you offer them a set of steps to do something, they should be able to follow those steps and complete the task. And failing to do so, does not automatically become my department's fault. Our boss and I won't tolerate the whining that comes with the "but can't you do it for me?" Perhaps it's because we're both mothers and he hasn't any children. Maybe that gives us an edge he lacks. But if Monkey needed to learn to tie her shoes so I wouldn't be doing it for her in college, then the adults in upper management can learn to enter their own password in the company smartphones.

This is not a week we want to poke this bear. I will fight back. And I will win, by whatever means necessary.

This Is Hard

*sigh* I don't know how to do this. Today... well yesterday was much better. I'm tired. The day just drags on. Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to work and I will have to act like this weekend didn't happen. The racing thoughts are back. I get the emotions are all always there. I just hate that I get SO angry and I have nothing I can do about that energy. I ... I feel like an idiot. A huge flaming idiot. I feel like every muscle in my body has completely knotted up. The amount of shaking I did in the last two days, frankly I'm surprised I was able to write anything and didn't fall off my chair. Now I have a kink in my shoulder making me not want to move. The shaking has stopped for now. I'm not sure when the tears will. Which means my eyes will still burn.

*sigh*

Well, Shit

This the worst I think I've been since being diagnosed. I'm nauseous. I feel hollow. My heart hurts. My head hurts. I don't want to kill myself but sure as shit don't want to be alive. I know what I have but am blinded by what I don't. I hate this disease. It takes over and makes me awful. Yes. I've been taking my medication. No I haven't called my therapist. I'm trying to see about a new one. Yes I left her a message. I'm hoping she calls back soon. I don't know if she handles this. I have an appointment with my medication therapist next Friday. Something needs to change. I'm so exhausted by this. I want to curl up and die. Putting Monkey through this is so unfair to her. It's so unfair that I did everything right and I'm still going trough this. And explaining to someone that yes, I know what's real, the problem is all this feels real too. That I'm going to be alone forever. No one wants me. I don't want me, why would anyone else? I was truly happy for a brief moment but I don't get to keep it. How do I know I will find that again? I need to KNOW. Why is it wrong to want what everyone else has? Why can't I have that too? Why can't he drop everything to help me right now? We've seen when I'm good I can handle things. We know this. I stepped aside when she needed his help. I said I'd wait and do what I could to help. But when it's me, I'm told not to be selfish and manipulative. How is a fucking disease I was most likely born with manipulative of anyone other than me??? It's so hard not to just scream at the top of my lungs until I have no voice. Or break everything I can get my hands on. "Hulk smash!" Maybe that's what was wrong with Bruce Banner. I want to cut my heart out, toss it in the trash and just walk away. I want to vomit so much I finally just pass out. Or maybe I should just dope up until I'm a zombie (hello Prozac). If I can't feel it won't hurt. There's no cat for me to get at the end of this. Marti would be jealous. For how much this hurts I'm angry I won't have any external injuries to show for this. I want to look as beat up as I feel. And I want to be able to say, "You should see the other guy.". A writer I am not. Paragraphs that make sense don't flow from me. Stream of consciousness makes sense to me if I read it months later or even if it's someone else's consciousness. Puffy eyes. Tear stains on my cheeks. Exhaustion in my face. Pants that will fall off me soon. This is the face of a crash victim of bi polar. Not a scar or bruise to be seen, but I wish there was. I'd have war wounds from my battles. Claw marks that run across my body. Get mauled by a tiger, everyone can tell. Get mauled by bi polar, you're the only one. Get over it. Get back to work, to life. Snap out of it. You're being a baby. Believe me. I would do just that if I could.

The problem is I can't.

Warning: Stream of Consciousness

*This hasn't been edited. I just wrote what popped onto my head.

How am I supposed to maintain a relationship when I can't even trust the thoughts in my head? He tells me things. And I know them to be true. I *know* it. But then my mind twists it all into something ugly and mean. I lash out because I can't hold it in anymore. I say things I don't want to say because they're mean and spiteful. But I'm hurting and I want it to stop. So I pretend I don't care. Even though we all know I care more than I should. I think if I'm alone no one can hurt me. No one can disappoint me. He doesn't do it on purpose. The world around us happens whether I'm ready for it or not. I hide in my space. He deals with the world. But I want him with me. I'm tired of fighting myself alone. Battling thoughts that aren't even my own. But they're in my head, don't they belong to me? If they do then I'm a mean, hateful person. I don't want to be that. Make them stop. I'm not like that. I don't want to be that girl. No, I don't care if everyone doesn't like me. But the people I like/love... I want them to like/love me back. But who wants to love someone who snaps for no reason Or is irrationally angry over something minor. Or gets so out of control she doesn't recognize herself anymore. And doesn't even like herself. I promised a long time ago not to hurt myself. But the broken part of me doesn't care what I promised people even yesterday. It just hurts until I want the hurt physical. So it's something I can fix. Unfortunately stitches won't fix this. I don't know what will. This is something I can't fix on my own and I have a very hard time asking for help when I know I will always need it. Is it even fair of me to ask for him to help me?

Count Your Blessings (Instead Of Sheep)

When I'm worried and I can't sleep
I count my blessings instead of sheep
And I fall asleep counting my blessings
When my bankroll is getting small
I think of when I had none at all
And I fall asleep counting my blessings

I think about a nursery and I picture curly heads
And one by one I count them as they slumber in their beds
If you're worried and you can't sleep
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings

I think about a nursery and I picture curly heads
And one by one I count them as they slumber in their beds
If you're worried and you can't sleep
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings

-Cole Porter

I'm having a major downswing. Yes, I'm taking my medication. No, I haven't missed a dose. I don't remember much about the manic period. I think I was angry about a lot. It's right before Christmas, usually. This year is particularly bad. One day, I'll be able to spend New Year's Eve without being in tears... Right, the blessings.

My daughter. Without her I would not be alive. My friends. Any hope of sanity would be completely gone without them. My love. I can live without you, I just don't want to. My health. Even though I'm a nutcase I'm a healthy nutcase. My job. I hate it but I have one. My house. It's never been home for me but it's more than others have. (Uh oh, resolution?) My family. You're fucked up, it's genetic. But your mine and I still kinda love you.